Your Best-Worst Predictions for The Force Awakens – Contest Winners


Yes, everyone’s happy about the D23 Star Wars announcements – but what if it goes bad? What if JJ Abrams doesn’t do a good job, and indulges his worst instincts?

I let you all imagine the scenes that could ensue, and two of you earned T-shirts in doing so. Let’s see who you are.

Winner #1 is Matt Pack, because I do believe something like this actually will happen.

A scene where Han and Leia are getting on Falcon or leaving a place and Leia saying, “do you have to start a fight everywhere we go?”

Han replys “hey he shot first, I was just defending myself”

Luke chimes in, “ok lets drop it , you’ve been having the same argument for years.”

Winner #2 is Sam Fryer, who was really thorough.

I’m looking at Abrams’ writer/director credits and honestly I’m having trouble figuring out how him indulging his worst impulses could ruin the movie. The only thing that he’s done that bugged me was the Kirk/Spock flip in Star Trek: Into Darkness. So here goes:

Cloud City: Kylo Ren has finally got our heroes right where he wants them. He’s captured Luke. Han, Chewie, and Leia are desperate to save him, but sadly, their force training on distant Dagobah with Yodo, Yoda’s distant cousin, means they will arrive just in time to see Luke, frozen in carbonite, being loaded onto Captain Lens Flare’s –sorry, I mean Captain Phasma’s– ship. Luke, Leia, and Chewie face Kylo Ren, are defeated by him, but just before you think he’s abou tto deliver the killing blow, he reveales that he is Chewies father.

JJ Abrams then rides the popularity of that scene out as long as he can, claiming it was the plan all along to reveal that Kylo Ren was Chewie’s father (even going so far as to claim that the name “Kylo Ren” is loosely translated from German to mean “furry progenitor”), and making horrible choices twenty years later like remastering it and adding Ughnaughts into the background and a full tap number in a Cloud City nightclub named “Among the Clouds” owned by Lando’s half Rodian son. He then procedes to make prequel episodes that shoehorn in every important character from The Force Awakens in a way that requires huge leaps in accepting coincidence to make any sense for the characters or for the context of the movies. But kids are buying the shit out of the toys and video games, so he gets away with it for another 5 years before he decides to retire and a fresh young director-of-the-moment takes over the “saga” and DOESN’T MAKE ANY OF THE SAME MISTAKES OVER AGAIN NO SIR!

Gentlemen – please email me, selecting two shirts apiece at $25 or less, with your size and address.