The American Scream Contest Winner.

funny myers.jpg
Stan Helsing‘s Michael Myers is amused by your work.

The deadline is up, and we have a winner. And I had a lot of fun reading through the entries this morning, in which you imagined auteur-driven remakes of Halloween a la Rob Zombie.

Before I name the victor, here are some of the highlights from other entries I enjoyed.

Shadowoverportland had fun imagining Michael Bay’s Night of the Living Dead – but unfortunately, the contest was to imagine a new take on Halloween. A for effort, F for following instructions, and here’s a great excerpt:

Barbara (played by the latest hottie screen tested washing Bay’s car) and brother Johnny are visiting their mother’s grave, with Johnny slut slamming Barbara’s Daisy Dukes and midriff baring teeshirt. But after a zombie leaps (yes, leaps like a the grave was loaded with an air cannon), Barbara is forced to run for the car, with the camera following in a tight, full screen shot as zombies try to bite her ass. She manages to drive the car through the growing horde of the living dead, using convenient ramps to leap the car over them at times. After rolling the car trying to jump a swarm of zombies, she emerges with a bloody lip, her clothes (tastefully) torn and runs to a nearby farm house.

Mocking Tim Burton is easy. Mocking him in a way that’s still funny is hard. So I give mad props to Elias Algorithm for this:

Someone kidnaps Tim Burton, sets him down with Vincent Price’s corpse and together they hash out a Halloween story that involves Helena Bonham Carter being hunted by a masked Jim Cameron. Johnny Depp plays the sherriff, whose partner is a small capuchin monkey. Something something martians. And it’s all done in stop-motion. Except for Christopher Walken, he’s portrayed by a half eaten ham sandwich.

Abbot Layman’s imagining of Leonard Nimoy’s Halloween came very close to winning:

Starts with a young William Shatner posing for a Halloween mask in 1967. The following Halloween Shatner puts on his own mask as a joke. Unfortunately, the universe can’t handle such a concept and the mask drives him insane causing him go on killing sprees in 1968 and 1969. Due to the fact that this happened in the 60s and the freakouts were in wild Hollywood parties, no one really took notice…

I liked revbadger’s idea for a Michael Moore Halloween…but it ended up sounding almost exactly like the actual plot of Halloween III:

Basically the set up is we find that Halloween is a corporate scam and large business is using chemicals in Micheal Meyers Masks to mind control small children because the republicans say that global warming is fake and that we need to rally for more humane treatment of Lidsey Lohan (as Jaimie Lee Curtis’s daughter from Freaky Friday of course).

Similarly, Canadian.Scott’s take on a Christopher Guest Halloween was already more-or-less done in Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

One scene that pops to mind is an interview with “Old Timey Slasher” Hook Hand played by Christopher Guest who would relay the story of the hook hand myth and talk about how these new guys do not have the same finesse as the golden era.

Supermachodude’s Happy Madison Halloween made me laugh, and also came very close to victory:

Skippy’s got a kind heart, and he’s innocent, and the big bad world keeps bringing him down, for some reason he yells and hits stuff but still comes off with a childlike sense of wonder. Who cares how? Anyway, Meyers has all kinds of fucked up issues because his dad was a prolific serial murderer who hacked up babysitters in Haddonfield, Illinois (Somebody Sandler liked as a kid that will work cheap and we can pretend is being cast ironically. What’s GABE KAPLAN up to?) and everything would be ok if big bad Dad hadn’t oppressed him in between psych hospital stays during Skip’s childhood, so all current ills can be traced to that. We won’t go too dark, though. Maybe he hordes Hot Wheels and we can do like a cross-promotion or at least get a few more product placement dollars.

But my absolute favorite entry was…

bladeguy’s Marc Webb Halloween reboot. Because firstly, who thinks to do a parody of Marc Webb? And secondly, he nailed it.

You think you know the story? You think you know Halloween…just because you’ve seen the original and all the sequels and the Rob Zombie remake? Well you don’t know anything yet.

Directed by Marc Webb, this slightly more dramatic retelling of Michael Myer’s origins will reboot the series so MGM doesn’t lose the rights to the character. Set in 2013 it stars Emma Stone as Laurie Strode, a high schooler who is incredible attractive but still manages to be an offbeat hipster loaner. After school one day she meets young Dr. Sam Loomis played by Joesph Gordon Levitt who is a boy genius and got his doctorate but is still only 18 so it’s cool that they flirt a lot. She invites him to meet her at the house that she is babysitting at later that night.

Little does she know, the kids she is babysitting were the only living witnesses to a murder five years ago and by an extreme coincidence, Dr. Sam Loomis has also been studying the very same murderer for the last few years and is the only one who knows the key to stopping him. The murderer is of course…not Michael Myers. They are saving him for the sequel maybe. The murderer is instead, a different villain who is very similar to but clearly less interesting than Michael Myers. There will be an after the credits scene with someone who might be Michael Myers. It won’t be very clear who it was!

Watch as characters look at but don’t use classic things like knitting needles and butcher knives but instead use Bing! Be terrified of the climactic final showdown where Dr. Sam Loomis helps everyone escape using a complicated pathway made of cranes! Contemplate the results of the big fight where all the characters that survive the original movie die and all the characters that die in the original movie survive! Make complicated explanations to your friends about how it was pretty good but not all that necessary but you still pretty much liked it! Also the movie won’t take place on Halloween! And it’s in 3D because the kids like that sort of thing!

The Horrible Halloween.

I wish I had T-shirts to give as runner-up prizes – the big box is not here yet. But great job from everyone, and we’ll have another soon.