?Okay, so, it’s only April 2012, but the media has informed us it’s our duty as God-fearing Americans to start freaking the fuck out about a potential October 2012 as early as possible: What if, instead of Clam Jennsen being the expected Republicrat party nominee, Jen Clammsen emerges as the sudden leader? If you haven’t heard of either meat-bag candidate, that’s kinda the point: The American political system is, at best, close-minded because it limits itself to clones with silly names who live in the “real” world. By overlooking the world of videogames, we’re losing out on the potential for digital politicians getting their fair shake at running America. Come on. The carbon-based life forms have had their chance. Isn’t it time to give a magnanimous pile of pixels theirs?
7) M. Bison, Street Fighter
Platform: Bison stands for three things: consolidation of power into a more centralized government, crushing all enemies of this plan with merciless force, and snazzy military uniforms for all government workers. While he does not believe in the death penalty (at least not without continues), he does support increased military spending, especially on experimental technology.
Previous Experience: Founder and CEO of the world-famous Shadaloo organization, Bison (born Melvin Bison III in Santa Fe Springs, California) has run his organization for many years, directing the development of such critical elements as a really hot British chick in a thong leotard and his own “psycho power.” Bison was briefly mayor of Arlington, Texas, but abdicated when the minutemen demanded to see his passport.
Campaign Slogan: “Make no mistake! I do not need your blessing to gain the power I seek!”
6) Miguel Sung, Marc Ecko’s Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure
Platform: Sung is a cartoonish anti-graffiti villain who seemingly exists in Ecko’s game so graffiti- and energy drink-loving skateboarders have something to fight against. He subscribes to a modified version of Marxism that dictates that “art is the opiate of the masses,” and he means opiates as a bad thing, you stoner wasteoid.
Previous Experience: A one-term mayor of the dystopic New Radius, Sung used everything in his ability to quell a Hot Topic-shopping subculture’s love of ruining private property with hastily sprayed graffiti extolling independent thought and rebelliousness. (Kids, you too can fight the power by buying same designs on t-shirts at Hot Topic!) Sung’s techniques, though controversial and ultimately fruitless, prove the conviction of his beliefs; he employed two different secret police forces, the CCK, or Civil Conduct Keepers, and the Vandal Squad, which would dress as hobos and tote electric batons to stop wicked shredding and reverse ollies. Who do you want representing you? Some mischievous slackers or someone who will do anything to keep your city clean? It’s a question taken straight out of The Wire, we believe.
Campaign Slogan: “What’s so ‘badical’ about clean living?”
5) Mayor Ninja, Ninjatown
Platform: Hey, being in charge is a tough job, but someone’s got to do it, right? So what if Ninjatown is located between an active volcano and a mysterious dark forest that’s known to house several monsters… he’s a freaking ninja! In Barack Obama we got the bragging rights of having our first black president. Imagine how much more progressive and cool we’d seem if we could get a ninja for president who’s also the cutest bureaucrat ever?
Previous Experience: His official biographer has described him as being “diplomatic to a fault,” but not much is known about his past – not even where he got that sweet mustache and sash. But that just means he’s effective as a ninja since he’s shrouded his past in a dark veil, right?
Campaign Slogan: “I believe a press conference is in order.”
4) President Ronnie, Bad Dudes
Platform: The President is not a fan of, nor is he very much liked by, ninjas. If you are into ninjas, you probably don’t want to vote for this guy. However, if you are into freedom, hamburgers, and being awesome, then you probably do. Oh yeah… he has a Duke frickin’ Nukem lookalike as his head of security (who is admittedly too lazy to actually go save the President himself, and must instead enlist the aid of two random street punks to do it for him by questioning their manhood, but still…)
Previous Experience: While he does bear a striking resemblance to another U.S. President, this President has no known background or experience, outside of beating that Japanese dude at a hamburger-eating contest. USA! USA!
Campaign Slogan: “Let’s go for a burger. . . . Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
3) B.H. Pirkle, EarthBound
Platform: Pirkle is anti-crime and despises bullies. Even though he’s a full-grown man, the best he could do to keep Onett from being ravaged by a street gang of young boys (or at least they seem like boys – it’s tough to tell anyone’s age in that game) was locking a door in town. Hey, it kept the riff-raff out, right?
Previous Experience: Before taking on the gang The Sharks, Pirkle fended off a massive invasion of rabid dogs from Onett. That’s why there’s only two in the game when you play through. Also, foaming mouths in Onett reached an all-time low in Pirkle’s reign (six).
Campaign Slogan: “If you encounter a dangerous situation, please don’t ask me to take any responsibility.”
2) Energy Czar, Energy Czar
?Party: Electrical Totalitarianism (not to be confused with the popular wedding dance bearing the same name)
Platform: Remember that movie Who Killed The Electric Car? It didn’t finger the Energy Czar, but he’s the one who alone decides the United States’ entire energy policy. He keeps coal popular, solar power laughable, and uranium just out of reach because he knows what’s best.
Previous Experience: He’s a dark-horse candidate in every sense, but in the Atari game, he’s a dictator with an odd asterisk after it: If public opinion on him sags, a single poll can boot him out. So, he’s more of a power-abusing people-pleaser than anything else. And that might be a good thing. Or we might get a spineless leader. Does it really matter?
Campaign Slogan: “Is this thing on? Then pay me.”
1) Mike Haggar, Final Fight
Platform: Historically, Haggar has taken a firm stance against crime, which got him the mayor’s chair in Metro City. There, he kept his campaign promises, running the Mad Gear Gang out of town and renovating the town’s slums into a garden tended to by the students of a School for the Criminally Mischievous, which turns tomorrow’s punks into tomorrow’s upstanding citizens. Controversially, Haggar also is an ardent supporter of the NRA and is in favor of gun control, within reason — citing his time cleaning up the streets of Metro City with his bare hands, stray pipes, and snappy oversized brown belt-suspender as a true moment of clarity. According to the revisionist historians, it was after Haggar wolfed down a slice of German chocolate cake he found in a trash can next to a pile of roughed-up gang-bangers he piledrove onto the searing hot concrete that he realized: Individual liberties are the basic moral principles of society. That, and he’s allergic to coconut.
Previous Experience: Like Jesse Ventura before him, Haggar is of course a former pro wrestler turned legit politician. Haggar climbed a bit higher, though, using his stint as mayor of Metro City to eventually hold that same title on a much bigger scale: He was named Mayor of Earth. He could handle running freakin’ America.
Campaign Slogan: “I fight on the streets and suplex prostitutes into oil drums so you don’t have to.”