Fan Fiction Friday: Xamot and Tomax in “Slave to the Crimson Guard”


?After the 15-chapter epic “Breasts” last week, I hope you don’t mind if I pick something a bit shorter — partially for my sanity, and partially because it’s just about to be a three-day weekend and I really, really want to start drinking. This week’s story comes to us from the legendary and prolific Andrew Troy Keller who, somehow, has only been featured in FFF once before (with his Saved By the Bell tale “The One Gigantic Fix”). I’m not sure why this is, other than pretty much anyone who knows anything about bad fan fic knows about Keller; if ComicsNix is the Beatles of insane erotic fan fics, Keller is the Rolling Stones — and it seems like he’s been writing this shit for 50 years, too. Anyways, once I saw he’s turned his creative talents to G.I. Joe, I couldn’t resist.

On Wednesday,January the 8th at 0800
hours,a platoon of Crimson Guard troopers had blasted their way into a
U.S. Government weapons storage warehouse in order to steal the arms for
the terrorist organization known as Cobra.Suddenly,a security alarm had
been activated–and the wailing sound had gave the two Crimson Guard
Commanders Tomax and Xamot a feeling of such devilish
glee.”Ah,excellent!”,said a smiling Tomax.”That sound will indeed…!”

G.I. Joe to us for sure,Brother!”,said his twin brother Xamot.Then
suddenly,at 0851 hours,a platoon of G.I. Joes had slammed their way into
the warehouse and started blasting away at the Crimson Guard troopers.

Okay. Let’s break this down. Did Xamot and Tomax not expect an alarm to go off when they broke into the weapons storage warehouse? Are they pleasantly surprised to hear it go off? Why do they actually want to face G.I. Joe? That doesn’t make sense. It’s like a robber breaking into a bank and when the alarm goes off, saying, “Awesome! Now the cops are definitely on their way!” It’s just counter-productive to the robbery. And why the hell did it take 51 minutes for the Joes to show up? Was there traffic? And what the hell did the Crimson Guard do while waiting for 50 minutes? I bet they were all playing Angry Birds. The answers to all these questions are not after the jump, but the rest of the story is.

And while everyone else was shooting at
each other, the twins had peeked out of their hiding place and noticed
that one of the Joes Lady Jaye was fighting by herself. “Her!”,whispered
Tomax while pointing at Lady Jaye.”She’s the one…!”

want,Brother!”,agreed Xamot before aiming his stun-gun and firing it at
Lady Jaye,causing her to drop down to the floor unconscious.

Well, that’s indeed what a stun gun does. Well described.

JAYE!”,shouted Flint,who had spotted his G.I. Joe teammate being carried
off by the retreating Crimson Guard Commanders.The angered Flint had
ran after them with hopes of stopping them and rescuing Lady Jaye from
the venomous clutches.But it was too late for as soon as he had gotten
himself out of the warehouse,both Lady Jaye and the Crimson Guard were

So… they just waited for 50 minutes in the middle of a weapons robbery in order to steal a female Joe? That was their big plan? Oh well, it’s hardly the stupidest thing Cobra’s ever done, I guess.

“I swear to you,Lady Jaye!I’ll kick Cobra’s ass for taking
you away from me!”,growled a very ticked-off Flint.”YOU HEAR ME,COBRA?!I
WILL GET HER BACK!!”Meanwhile, after the Crimson Guard troopers had
returned to Cobra Island,Tomax and Xamot had taken the still unconscious
Lady Jaye to the laboratory of Cobra’s chief scientist Dr.
Mindbender,who had placed her on a table with devilish

He should have moved some of that glee off the table so Lady Jaye had more space.

“Excellent,gentlemen.Excellent.”,said Dr. Mindbender while aiming a
laser at the helpless G.I. Joe.”And now,to see if my wondrous invention
is a success.”

After he had aimed the laser and was about to
fire it,Lady Jaye had slowly opened her eyes and was shocked to discover
where she was.”What the fuck is going on here?!”,asked Lady Jaye while
trying to get herself off the table but was unable to do so because she
was strapped down to it.

Strapped down with devilish glee, I bet.

“Oh,you’ll find out,my dear.”,answered a
devilishly gleeful Dr. Mindbender.”You’ll find out soon enough.”And with
that,the sinister scientist had fired the laser at Lady Jaye,causing
her willpower to slowly be stripped away.

I think we can all assume that all the glee mentioned from this point on is devilish.

After he had
deactivated the beam and released Lady Jaye from the table’s
restraints,Dr. Mindbender had stepped back and said,”Now,my dear!Stand
and walk towards the Crimson Guard Commanders!”She had stood and walked
towards Tomax and Xamot as she was instructed to do.But then,as soon as
she had placed herself in-between the brothers,Lady Jaye had slowly
licked her lips and started rubbing her body next to Xamot’s.

“Ha ha! My dry-hump ray is a complete success! I am full of devilish glee!”

And after
they had looked at Dr. Mindbender with smiles on their faces,the evil
doctor said,”Yes,Gentlemen.She is yours.Think of her as a thank you
present for a job well done.”

“As a reward for bringing me this woman, I’m giving you this woman. Well done, lads.”

Then,as soon as they had gotten
Lady Jaye into their quarters,Tomax had grabbed her by the hair and
said,”Now,you will do what you’re told to do and like it!Do you

“Kind of! I’m still unclear why I started dryhumping you before anybody gave me any commands, though!”

“Yes.”,answered a sexually-energized Lady Jaye.”I
understand.””Then,what are we?”,asked Xamot while ripping Lady Jaye’s
uniform off her body.”You…are the masters.”,answered Lady Jaye while
the twins were chaining her to a specially constructed doorway.

Cue Torgo’s theme.

what are you?”,asked Tomax while preparing to use a bullwhip on


“I…am the slave.”,answered Lady Jaye before Tomax had started
whipping her bare back.”Yes!Indeed,you are!”,said a sinister-smiling
Xamot.”A slave to the Crimson Guard!”Meanwhile,outside Cobra’s
fortress,a pair of troopers were going about their normal routine of
guard duty,unaware that a G.I. Joe deep sea transport had surfaced and a
group of Joes–who were being led by Flint–had rushed on in to make
short work of them.

So… the Cobra troopers were unaware that Flint and the Joe had just knocked their asses out? Whatever.

“Good work,Joes.”,whispered Flint after the
guards were knocked out cold.”Now let’s go get Lady Jaye.”Just
then,inside the throne room of Cobra’s leader Emperor Serpentor,Dr.
Mindbender had kneeled before the leader that he had created and
said,”My emperor,I have come to report that my will-stripper is a

AH HAHAHAHAHA. I can’t think of a name simultaneously more awesome and dumb than the “will-stripper.” I prefer to think that it doesn’t mean a device that strips you of your will but a device that wills you to strip. Given it’s use in the story, either version is reasonably accurate.

“Excellent,Dr. Mindbender!”,growled Serpentor before he had
rose from his throne.”You will now use it to bring the whole world under
my heels!This I command!”

“Wait, my emperor.”
“What is it, Mindbender?”
“Well, you know this device basically just turns people in sex slaves right?”
“One at time, really.”
“But you want me to use it to ‘bring the whole world under your heels’?”
“Yes! Use it to conquer the world for me!”
“Mindbender! Speak!”
“Okay… um, do you have any ideas on how I might do that? Because I’m having a hard time imagining how making a few sex slaves is really going to get us control of country except maybe France. Really, I was just planning on using this thing to make the Baroness do a few strip shows for the boys.”
“I’m not a details emperor, I’m an ideas emperor! Just do it!”

Meanwhile,back inside the quarters of the
Crimson Guard Commanders,a nude Tomax had forced his stiff cock into
Lady Jaye’s mouth and an also-nude Xamot was slamming his stone hard
cock into her pussy.

Is there a difference between a stiff cock and a stone hard cock? Is it one of those few differences Xamot and Tomax share, like the scar? Because I can all too easily imagine an erotic fan fic where people have to give the twins erections in order to tell them apart. This is because FFF has destroyed my soul.

“It appears that she’s…!”,said a smiling
Tomax while tugging on her hair.”…Enjoying it,Brother!”,said an
also-smiling Xamot.And after they had looked at each other,the twins had

BLEH. So I’ll be the first to admit that the M/F/M threesome freaks me out. I’ve never had the opportunity to do it, but I feel confident I would turn it down, no matter who the woman involved was. I have no problem with guys or gals who enjoy it, but whether there’s a naked lady there or not, I have a hard time being aroused when there’s another wang nearby. Gives me the willies, so to speak.

Also, I have two brothers. So imagining two brothers simul-fucking someone kind of makes me want to vomit. A lot. And although Xamot and Tomax have always been kind of creepy, it really sounds like they’re going to high-five each other while double-teaming Lady Jaye, and honestly, this disturbs me significantly more than most FFFs. Seriously. BLEH.

And while poor Lady Jaye had no other choice but
to enjoy her sexual torment at the hands of the twins,Dr. Mindbender had
walked back into his lab,only to be shocked at the sight of Flint and
the other G.I. Joes smashing his will-stripper to pieces.

I like that the Joe can’t possibly have any idea what the will-stripper is, and are just breaking whatever shit they see because they’re in Cobra HQ and are dicks.

just as he was about to alarm the other Cobra forces,an angry Flint had
grabbed Dr. Mindbender,smashed him against a wall and growled,”Where’s
Lady Jaye?I want to know and I want to know now!” “She’s with the
Crimson Guard Commanders!”,answered a devilishly-happy Dr.


“As their slave!” And after he had let out a huge belly
laugh,a very angry Flint had slugged Dr. Mindbender straight into

I think Mindbender’s laughing because he knows now he doesn’t have to deal with Serpentor’s ridiculous demands.

Meanwhile,back inside the twins’ quarters,Tomax had
cum all over Lady Jaye’s face while Xamot had smacked her bare ass until
it was bright red.But then,Flint and his squad had forced their way
into the room and were shocked by what the twins had done to Lady
Jaye.”YOU SON-OF-A-BITCHING ASSHOLES!!”,roared a deeply angry

First of all: Behold the magic of Andrew Troy Keller, the erotic fan fic writer where a great deal of the eroticism happens off-camera. It’s not about the sex for Andrew, it’s about the story. Which has to have sex in it. But doesn’t need to be described all the time. Second: “Son of a bitching”?

“You might want to do
that!”,said Tomax while Lady Jaye was rubbing her hand against the
inside of his leg.

“Since I just jerked off on your gal pal’s face, I can understand why you might want to cause me harm! It’s very reasonable! I just thought I’d point this out!”

“But your precious Lady Jaye…!””…Is lost
forever!”,said Xamot while Lady Jaye was rubbing her face against his

God, I just love it when a woman rubs her face against my leg WHAT THE FUCK

“Isn’t that right,Slave?””Yes,Master.”,answered Lady Jaye while
licking on Xamot’s hot,wet shaft.

Wait a second. So Lady Jay is simultaneously blowing Xamot, rubbering her face on his leg and is able to article “Yes, Master”? I don’t think so! SIR, I DOUBT THE VERISIMILITUDE OF… OF… OF WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS

THINK,ASSHOLES!”,yelled Flint while pointing at the twins.”ROADBLOCK,GET
THEM!”And with that,Roadblock had charged towards the twins and
said,”Before this mission is done,it’ll be two for the price of
one!”,before slamming the both of them against a wall.

Anyone else think Roadblock missed a golden opportunity here? I mean, he’s simultaneously attacking two naked men. Surely he could have thought of a better rhyme.
? “G.I. Joe is gonna save the day / I’ll fuck you two up like you fucked Lady Jaye!”
? “You two are done and you ain’t gotta chance / but I’ll give you a minute if you want to put on some pants.”
? “I’m sure you had fun turnin’ Jaye into a harlot / but I bet you wish you were tagteaming Miss Scarlett.”
? “You know I’m gonna knock off your blocks / but man I hope I don’t touch your cocks!”
? “I’ll be kicking your ass and it don’t matter which brother / although I’m surprised to learn you guys don’t fuck each other.”
? “I’ll show you the skills I learned in the army / but don’t you two dare get your semen on me!”
I welcome more potential candidates in the comments.

And as soon as
they were out cold,Flint had grabbed Lady Jaye,covered her up and ran
out of the room before the twins were able to come to.

But not before they were able to come, alas. /rimshot

However,after they
ran out of the room,Lady Jaye yelled,”NO!LET ME GO!THEY ARE MY
was squirming and fighting her way out of Flint’s grip.

then,Lady Jaye’s screaming had alerted the other Cobra forces as well as
Serpentor himself,who had discovered the Joes escaping with the Crimson
Guard Commanders’ personal sex-slave and roared,”STOP THEM!DESTROY

“Stop them! The Crimson Guard must be able to get their rocks off or all my plans are ruined! I think! Even I don’t have any clue what I’m doing any more!”

But even though the Cobra troopers had
fired their weapons at them,the G.I. Joes were still able to get

This sentence could sum up every single episode of the G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero cartoon.

Meanwhile,aboard the aircraft carrier on its way back home,both
Scarlett and Cover Girl were still trying their best to bring Lady Jaye
back into the realm of reality.”Please,Doc.Tell me the truth.”,said
Flint while looking through a window on the door of Lady Jaye’s
room.”Will she be the Lady Jaye that she was again?””I really can’t
tell,Flint.”,answered Doc after he had placed a gentle hand on Flint’s
shoulder.”All I can say is that only time will tell.”

THE END. Is Lady Jaye doomed to be Xamot and Tomax’s sex slave for eternity? Like most great fiction, this tale requires for you to look inside yourself for the answer. While you’re there, why not ask why Mindbender’s device seemed to automatically and solely make sex slaves for Xamot and Tomax? How many sex slaves did they really need? And again, how could their sex slaves possibly help Serpentor take over the world? Also, why bother to write an erotic fan fic about Xamot and Tomax fucking Lady Jaye and having the sex take up only about a tenth of the story? Don’t worry about sending me the answers. There’s an alarm going off in my liver, and that means I’m definitely going to be drinking in the next 51 minutes.