Talk to He-Man (or an Unreasonable Facsimile)

“I am He-Man”? Bullshit, dude. I watched He-Man every fucking day when I was a kid, and you are not fucking He-Man. Sure, you look like He-Man, but you sound nothing like He-Man, and if you’re going to convince me to spend $2 dollars for the first minute and 45 cents each additional minute out of my allowance, then I better hear someone who sounds like the real He-Man on the end of the line. On the other hand, your Orko also sounds nothing like Orko, which was actually a pretty good move on your part.

This old 900-number commercial comes from a great list by Tabloid Prodigy of the most bizarre 900 phone lines of the ’80s and ’90s; I’d forgotten you could actually once pay to talk to both Freddy Krueger and MC Hammer. I’m incredibly curious to know what that number goes to know (my cellphone won’t let me). I’m guessing it’s the same lousy voice actors doing some horrible phone sex fetish. although if they’re doing He-Man sex phone fetish stuff, I need to know as soon as humanly possible, okay?