“I am He-Man”? Bullshit, dude. I watched He-Man every fucking day when I was a kid, and you are not fucking He-Man. Sure, you look like He-Man, but you sound nothing like He-Man, and if you’re going to convince me to spend $2 dollars for the first minute and 45 cents each additional minute out of my allowance, then I better hear someone who sounds like the real He-Man on the end of the line. On the other hand, your Orko also sounds nothing like Orko, which was actually a pretty good move on your part.
This old 900-number commercial comes from a great list by Tabloid Prodigy of the most bizarre 900 phone lines of the ’80s and ’90s; I’d forgotten you could actually once pay to talk to both Freddy Krueger and MC Hammer. I’m incredibly curious to know what that number goes to know (my cellphone won’t let me). I’m guessing it’s the same lousy voice actors doing some horrible phone sex fetish. although if they’re doing He-Man sex phone fetish stuff, I need to know as soon as humanly possible, okay?
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.