30 Great Names for Microbrewed Beers

brewery.jpgBy D.C. Pierson

We’ve all dreamed of dropping out of the rat-race to make one of those charming micro-brewed beers with a hand-drawn label. But it takes more than a bathtub full of hops and a dream to make a good microbrewed beer. You need a long, quirky name that makes anyone who orders your beer at a bar feel both cool and slightly embarrassed. Don’t let the fact that you can’t come up with one stop you from following your microbrewing destiny. Here are some public-domain names for microbrews that fit the bill (but if you use one, you owe us a free pint).

1. Mediocre Jumpshot Private Reserve

2. Drunkard’s Headwound

3. Benign Cyst And The Resulting Sense Of Relief Ale

4. Underexposed Picture Of Your Nephew

5. Thighslapper’s Winter Lager

6. Motormouth Coke Fiend Slams Door On Pizza Man Weissbeer

7. Retarded Scientist’s Mixed-Up Periodic Table Porter

8. Three or Four Apples

9. Exaggeration Of Dick-size Stout

10. Flaky Bassist’s Mid-Gig Sweat

11. Subtle Indictment Of Technological Progress

12. Wistful Goldfish Strawberry Brew

13. At-Risk Inner-City Youth’s Steadying Paternal Influence

14. Hard-To-Read Chinese Suicide Note

15. Inexplicable Latino Dance Craze Spice Beer

16. Hippie Girl Sandal Tan Blonde Ale

17. Lisp Of A Rustic Cartoon Gopher Cranberry Lambic

18. Fire Down At The Glassworks

19. Aggressive Come-Ons From 3 Male German Tourists

20. Angst-y Ex-Mormon In Studded Belt Amber Dew

21. Ungrateful Cyborg’s Oily Tears

22. Courtly Gentleman’s Moustache Foam

23. Brunette Flashes Leg To Escape Parking Ticket

24. Mid-Wedding Thunderstorm

25. Reclusive Pornographer’s Yeast Concoction

26. Terrifying Clown Dreams Pilsner

27. Well-Meaning Older Man Feigns Interest In Drum-n-Bass

28. Unconventional Masturbation Method I.P.A.

29. Half-Smashed Mandolin In A Gutter In Barcelona

30. Landlord’s Admonition That You Had Darn Well Better Move That Mattress Out Of The Alley Pomegranate Stout