Hurray! Censored Mass Effect 3 Jokes

Monday, March 19, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Apparently, I'm way behind on this trend, because I posted a thing about Skyrim a while back and people said things like, "Yeah, this would've been news four months ago." But ha! I'm right on top of this one now. Mass Effect 3 just dropped, and so we all get to laugh in unison as these characters talk about ****ing everyone's ****s.

Hot Zelda II Sex Scene (NSFW, Obviously)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012 at 12:00 pm

If you like nasty, childish humor: watch this.

If you're a fan of Dorkly's other work, watch this.

If you're at work, and have straight-laced co-workers, don't watch this until you're home.

If you have some patience for stupid humor, but like occasional video game references, watch this.

Mass Effect 3 Potpourri

Tuesday, March 6, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Mass Effect 3 potpourri -- an epic and fragrant mix of emotions and tidbits.

I've written previously about the idea of quantifying exactly how excited one is about new game releases using the Nintendo 64 Kid as a sort of emotional measuring tape. The unit of measurement is "N64Ks," a single N64K indicating an amount of borderline insane excitement equal to that of Nintendo 64 Kid as he unwraps that magnificent present and feels every synapse in the pleasure center of his brain explode.

I don't know about you, but I live my life at a level of about 0.03 N64Ks usually. As I've gotten  back into modern gaming over the past several months, there have been new releases that have kicked this number up. Foremost among these was Skyrim, which had me at a legitimate 0.85 N64Ks. I have the main theme, with the manly chorus bellowing shit about the Dovahkiin, on my mp3 player, and there have been times recently when I've actually had strangers catch me saying "Fuuuus... RO DAH" out loud and giggling to myself on the streets of Manhattan.

But nothing in recent memory has moved me on such a basic gamer level like the release of Mass Effect 3. A true 1.0 N64K moment.

I'm nowhere near done with ME3, so this isn't in any way a review; we'll have a proper write-up of the game in the coming days. But I kept starting articles on other stuff, or "Top Five" lists on unrelated subjects, and I couldn't do it. I want to live in this moment, I want to feel the rush of a full-on 1.0 N64K experience.

So, I've put together a little blend of initial reactions, meditations on the series and stupid jokes for the Mass Effect fans out there. It's not very cohesive, but I think it's an appropriate homage to the hype of release day.

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Five Underrepresented Character Types in Video Games

Tuesday, February 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm
This type of guy tends to turn up a lot in video games.
I want you to do something for me. Go to the nearest video game retailer you can find. Bring duct tape.

Don't worry, I'm not asking you to do anything illegal! I'm not asking you to kidnap a Gamestop employee or anything. No, I don't think this is illegal. Though it may get you banned from the store.

I want you to stand outside the store, wrap duct tape around your face until you are effectively blind, and then go inside. Fumble around until you find the game displays. Now select a game, entirely at random, and flail about wildly until you get a sales clerk's attention. (Don't worry, someone who has covered their face in duct tape and is waving a video game around in the air is probably only the third or fourth weirdest person this sales clerk has had to deal with today. Retail is a harsh, unforgiving world.) Now buy the game and exit the store. Apologize if you've accidentally body-slammed anyone during this process.

So now you have purchased an entirely random game. Drive home (please take off the duct tape first) and fire up your console or gaming computer. Pop the random game in and start playing. Now take a good, long look at your player character. What kind of person are they? If you had to describe their personality in one word, what would it be?

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Dorkly Un-Scary-fies Limbo, Using Only A Flashlight

Tuesday, February 28, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Ah, the obligatory Dorkly post.

If this team wasn't so clever, or so easy to write about, you wouldn't see nearly the syndication that you do. But, they are great, so here's their latest.

It shows that Limbo's dark, disconcerting atmosphere is a total sham once you bring a flashlight into the equation. 

Tags: Dorkly, limbo

Skyrim's Unnecessary Bleeping Makes Me Bleeping Laugh

Friday, February 24, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Yeah, we've seen the Count from Sesame Street do this before. It is a very simple trick, but so so good. Sometimes it works perfectly. This is one of those times.

I implore you to check it out. And click through at the end because there's a lot more Unnecessary Censorship where this comes from. And you'll bleep until you bleep your bleeping pants until you die from bleep-loss. 

Word to the Normal Difficulty crew for making me real happy.

Dorkly Pings The Sad Fate Of The Unchosen Pokemon

Monday, February 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

At the beginning of Pokemon, I picked Charmander and Gary picked Squirtle. And yes, the last Pokemon I beat was Yellow. So, I don't know if these names mean anything to you younger generations. But anyway.

Fire may not > water in the games, but I always thought fire was cooler than water -- plus, I liked having Poliwrath or Kabutops as my primary water Pokemon, so Blastoise was a tough sell. Is my supreme dorkiness showing yet?

In this Dorkly video, Bulbasaur is left behind as the two rivals begin their journeys -- as usual. But his fate is something far more nefarious than what I had originally assumed. Twisted even. But twisted is Dorkly's specialty. 

Five Games for Singles on Valentine's Day

Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Valentine's Day is all about love, but it's also about other feelings.

To those with a sweetheart, a happy marriage, a lover or a crush, Valentine's Day is, at best, a time to affirm the mutual love and respect you feel for each other, and at worst it is a day when you exchange mediocre gifts for mediocre sexual favors. But for those who are committed or smitten, it is an undeniably exciting time.

Sure, it may be stressful to nail down the dinner reservations and try to come up with ideas to spice things up (hint: puns always make things sexier!), but unless you fuck up and get your partner a diet book or something, the aura of Valentine's Day is designed to make you feel validated. Everywhere you look, America is both paying homage to and milking money out of your relationship. Though it can be a little disheartening to sense the vigorous corporate hard-on that the greeting card industry achieves on this holiday each year, even that can't dampen the spirit if you're really, truly in love.

But what if you're single? Well, my unattached brethren, we can survive this most syrupy of days. Video games can help. I'm going to tell you how.

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O Meta Knight Is Like A Christmas Present From Your Aunt

Monday, February 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

You know that peculiar aunt -- everyone has one -- the kind who always forgets to send Christmas presents until mid-February and when they arrive you're a little leery because they are pretty obviously a re-gifted reject of a stocking stuffer? Like a mug. Or a "You Might Be A Redneck" 365-page daily calendar. 

This video called O Meta Knight is a gift like that. It is a live-action video (with hints of animation) about a yuletide Kirby character, a couple jokes, and not much else. But I'm posting it for you Kirby fans out there. Because some people really like "You Might Be A Redneck" jokes, and everyone uses mugs. Right?

(Source: Destructoid. Yes, I am giving them credit for this gem. And kudos to Random Encounters, for making it.)

Video Games and the Psychology of Divinity

Tuesday, February 7, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Video games: gateway into the mind... of GOD??
Where cheat codes and theology intersect, God Mode exists. God Mode is the king of all cheat codes. It is to Infinite Ammo or Big Head Mode cheats what Zeus is to dumb gods nobody knows about, like Aeolus or Nike. That's right, "Nike" was a god. A goddess, to be exact. Her dad was a titan and her mom was a river. Ringing a bell? No? That's because the shoe company named after her has completely eclipsed her in fame to the point that if you walk up to a classics professor and start talking about Nike, he will assume you want to talk about arch support. Case in point. Zeus reigns supreme. And God Mode, his cheat code equivalent, puts you, mortal, in his place.

But even without engaging any cheat codes, video games are largely about simulating godlike agency. One of the most appealing things about gaming is that, usually, one assumes the role of a character with amazing abilities or resources at his or her command, or at least a character in extraordinary circumstances. It gives one a sense of transcending the constraints of daily life. A sense, perhaps, of becoming a kind of god.

But being a supreme being isn't just being invulnerable to bullets and being able to slap bosses to death.  Divinity comes with a host of privileges, surprises and even responsibilities that those of us who are used to regular human life might not be able to handle gracefully.

And it's this part that I'm interested in. What happens to a human elevated to god status on an emotional level? What's it like to have more power than you ever imagined? What do we learn about godhood by reigning over even a small, fictional universe like a video game world?


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