Ten Video Game Characters We'd Like to Have a Beer With

By Aaron Matteson in Humor, Lists!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011 at 1:00 pm

 

5.) Lucca - Chrono Trigger

 

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Is Lucca old enough to have a beer with? Maybe in France?

Summary: The "have a beer with" test is not sexist.  It can be applied to both genders.  Lucca is a brilliant young lady and close friend of Crono, protagonist of Chrono Trigger. She is fiery and competent, though a bit eccentric. In the year 1000 AD, 900 years before the first mechanical dishwasher, she invents a functional teleportation machine.

Pros: Personable, interesting and ahead of her time. Lively and would totally keep the conversation moving. Can repair any broken robots you've got on you.

Cons: Depending on what jewelry you wear, she may accidentally transport you back in time.

 

4.) Nathan Drake - Uncharted Series

 

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In the dictionary, under the word "rakish," this picture is displayed.

Summary: Drake's a charismatic treasure hunter and general rogue. Anointed by many as the new "Face of the PlayStation," Nathan Drake is the hero of the popular Uncharted series.

Pros: It would be like having a beer with Indiana Jones. That is to say, it would be awesome! The guy's got a billion stories, and maybe some of his coolness will rub off on you!

Cons: Let's be realistic. His coolness is not going to rub off you. And if you're a heterosexual male, guess who is going to make you look bad by comparison? We'll give you a hint: it's Prettyboy McTreasurefinder here.

 

3.) The Narrator - Space Quest IV / VI

  

 

Summary: Roger Wilco's idiotic meanderings through space and time are the subject of the Space Quest series. These games are hilarious, in no small part thanks to the witty insights the narrator offers throughout. In the fourth and sixth installments, some versions of the game give the narrator a voice, actor Gary "Space Ghost" Owens, whose mega-dry delivery makes the whole thing insanely funny. 

Pros: Watch the video above. This narrator is a riot.

Cons: He's an impartial narrator, not your friend. In Space Quest IV, if you pick up a piece of "unstable ordnance" and walk around with it in your pocket, the narrator will allow you to do so and comment on your stupidity when the thing eventually blows you up.

 

2.) Hobo - The Legend of Zelda: a Link to the Past

 

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I'd smell that bottle he gave you before putting any potions in it. Does it smell like urine?

​Summary: In Zelda 3, part of Link's quest involves finding four bottles to hold potions, fairies and hornets. One such bottle is obtained when Link swims under a bridge and encounters a slumbering hobo. The hobo gives Link the container out of the goodness of his heart.

Pros: This guy clearly would love a little hooch. Also, if you are looking for information on Occupy Hyrule, this dude (check out the tent) may be a good guy to talk to. Just make sure to do it before Mayor Agahnim forces him to clear out.

Cons: He's clearly not the most responsible guy -- he's perfectly content to doze off while a fire is burning uncontained nearby.

 

1.) Andrew Ryan - Bioshock

 

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Would you kindly get a beer with Andrew Ryan?

Summary: Rapture's founder is an iron-willed, entrepreneurial titan named Andrew Ryan. His boundless hatred of parasites (perhaps instilled by a serious lice problem during his childhood?) and his belief in freedom are his defining characteristics, and these ideals make him a both formidable and a very frightening man.

Pros: Getting a beer with Andrew Ryan would be like getting a beer with Julius Caesar, if Julius Caesar was alive in the 50's and had been bitten by a radioactive Ayn Rand and lived in the most baller submarine in the world. Even if you virulently disagree with his views, even if he is deluded and megalomaniacal, you have to admit that he would be immensely interesting to have a drink with.

Cons: If the bartender recommends a beer and you accept his recommendation, Ryan may tell you that "A MAN CHOOSES... A SLAVE OBEYS!" The rest of the evening will be awkward and may include a golf club.

 

 

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