Ten Video Game Characters We'd Like to Have a Beer With

By Aaron Matteson in Humor, Lists!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011 at 1:00 pm

 

 

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I AM BECOME BEER, ARBITER OF MEN

As a rubric for determining the worths of all types of people, the old "would I like to have a beer with them" test reigns supreme. We hear this question posed across the spectrum of American discourse, from politics ("Sure, he's clearly the better candidate and the other guy keeps confusing Austria with Australia... but would I want to get a beer with him?") to establishing friendships ("She's smart, funny... but aloof.  Do I want to get a beer with her?") to philosophy ("So, class, Plato's point was that if you were the owner of the Ring of Gyges, you could have a beer with anyone in the world without consequence... but would it be just?"). We may be paraphrasing Plato slightly here.

The point is that "would I like to have a beer with this person" has become, in our culture, synonymous with "do I like this person on an instinctual level."

We've all heard the "most influential" or "baddest-assed" lists compiled of video game characters. But why not apply the all-important "get a beer with" test to these same characters? It's an almost completely original idea! So here it goes -- ten video game characters we'd like to have a beer with. 

 

10.) Everdred - Earthbound

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I don't care what psychic powers you have, this guy will drink you under the table.

Summary: In the classic SNES RPG Earthbound, the first time you meet Everdred is in a park, where he jumps off the roof of a shack and informs you that you and he are going to "lock horns!" He then attacks you. After you kick his ass he becomes your weird, shifty buddy. Later, he gives you a bunch of (probably stolen) cash for rescuing a little girl from a cult.

Pros: He's a total wild card. Dangerous, but fun. He probably has all sorts of cool stories from his shady past. He's also not an insufferable money sponge like any of those Runaway Five guys. I mean, Jesus Christ, read the contracts you're signing, guys!

Cons: Tends to jump off rooftops and fight children. Will probably get you in trouble with the cops.

 

9.) Paul Denton - Deus Ex

 

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Paul is less likely than his brother JC to torch you with a flamethrower while you are having a beer together.

Summary: Paul Denton, the first nano-augmented United Nations operative in the Deus Ex universe, is the brother of the main character, JC Denton. While branded a turncoat by some, Paul is a humane, intelligent man who calls them like he sees them.

Pros: Paul's a generally good guy who's not afraid to change sides if a good reason comes to light. His strong sense of morality will come in handy if you have a difficult situation you need to discuss while you're drinking those beers.

Cons: Can get kind of sanctimonious. He will remind you gravely that "you killed a lot of people today" if you go on a rad anti-terrorist rampage. Lighten up, bro!

 

8.) Garrus Vakarian - Mass Effect Series

 

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Garrus can get you discounts on turian ale.

Summary: Garrus is a former a member of the security forces on the gorgeous Citadel. While his race, the turians, are generally suspicious of humans, Garrus becomes a trusted member of Commander Shepard's team.

Pros: Has just the right mix of wry humor and badass steeliness.

Cons: If you send him certain signals, he may attempt to awkwardly cross-species date you. Even if you're into that kind of thing, trust me, it is WEIRD for everyone else to WATCH YOU GUYS FLIRTING when one of you is an ALIEN.

 

7.) Old Man - The Legend of Zelda

 

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It's dangerous to drink alone. Take this!

Summary: One of several kindly elderly men throughout the Zelda series who assist Link in his quests, this guy is the first. Without his kindness Link would be murdered by a Tektite five seconds into his heroic journey.

Pro: See above. You owe him a fuckin beer.

Cons: Well, actually, a lot of people help Link over the course of these games. Why not buy a beer for "it's a secret to everybody" dude? Or Error? A guy living with a name like Error deserves a drink on the house. This sets a dangerous precedent! Link can't buy all these people drinks! He needs cash for bombs!

 

6.) Funky Kong - Donkey Kong Country

 

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Make that DRUNKY Kong! HAHAHAHAHA YEEEAH

Summary: Funky Kong is the air travel provider / arms merchant of choice for the Kong family. He prefers to take a secondary role whenever DK and crew get into some tough shit with the Krocs.

Pros: This guy is the ultimate bro. He probably will not only have a beer with you, but also many Jager-bombs. He seems like he would be a happy drunk.

Cons: Stay out too late and he may fly his barrel-plane intoxicated the next morning.

 

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