Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 64: taking your childhood and infusing it with light-hearted pugilism.

​We all wanted the original N64 Super Smash Bros., whether we were cognizant of it or not, years before it was announced.  Most of us weren't even aware of the desire.  But it was in us, because of one immutable law of the universe.  This law is why the movie Alien vs. Predator exists.  It is responsible for the instances in comic books when Superman and Batman get really pissed and take a couple swings at each other.  And it is the main factor in creating all types of bloody fan fiction, from yarns about Mr. Darcy getting into a fistfight with Sherlock Holmes to fantasy short stories about Harry Potter in a magic duel with Gandalf.

The law is as follows: if people like two characters, they will LOVE it if those characters fight each other.

But besides this key marketing fact, what else did watching our favorite Nintendo characters struggle to hurl their brethren into a lethal abyss teach us?

1.) If you want to see someone's true colors, force him out of his routine.

Unless you make extensive use of Training Mode, chances are you have your weaknesses.

​Everyone who picked up that good old trident N64 controller and gave Smash a shot figured out a pattern fairly quickly.  Some would chose their favorite Hylian swordsman, and sooner than you could say, "Well, excuuuuuse me, Princess," they were hyper-thrusting the Master Sword like it was their job.  Others would go with Fox, perfecting his formidable range attacks and trying to figure out if the Smash developers had programmed in a barrel roll feature.

But whatever your personal preference was, every so often you would be inclined (or forced by your friends after repeatedly destroying them) to choose another character to play.  And in these moments, all was revealed.  Were you a Smash master, or a coward hiding behind cheap tricks?  In the ensuing battle, you were either humbled by your fellows or you proved to them exactly how lethal Kirby can be when he's angry.

 

 2.) You are very likely to follow through with something if you speak your intentions aloud.

FALCOOOOON SELF-HELP

​Captain Falcon is not a subtle man.  He wears golden boots and an eagle helmet and he struts around like he owns the arena.  One is tempted to write him off as an artless douche.

But no.  Captain Falcon gets things done, and there's a reason for it.  Before executing his renowned Falcon Kick or his even more renowned Falcon Punch, he screams that he is about to perform the corresponding action.  And he always comes through.  Every time.  Even if he Falcon Kicks himself off a ledge and into oblivion.

Slackers take note.  Next time you're feeling like you might spend all day in bed, it might help to yell "TAKING A SHOWER" at the top of your lungs.  This solidifies the idea, changes it from a thought into a reality.  Also, if you don't get up and do it after shouting about it, you look like a huge idiot.

 

3.) Math can be confusing.

It's simple.

​Look see, you're at 128% life.  No, stupid, that doesn't mean you're more alive now than you were at the beginning of the match.  It means that you've taken 28% more damage than the amount of damage it takes to make you so hurt that you really start to disregard gravity.

What percentage do you die at?  Wow, you're a real dumbass, you know that?  Didn't you learn percentages in school?  You die when the percentage reaches a point where it's at like 150% or 200% or something and gravity is really not affecting you at all, and so anybody who shoves you can send you into space.

Why percentages?

Just, just stop talking, man.

 

4.) Not all deities are benevolent.

I am become hand, destroyer of worlds...

​Master Hand is, ostensibly, the God of the Smash universe.  But is he ever seen helping the characters along?  Performing hand-related miracles?  Answering Nintendo characters' prayers?

No.  Like everything else in a world based upon combat, his sole aim is to inflict pain.

Master Hand giveth, and Master Hand taketh away.  But mostly he knocketh you off of platforms.

 

5.) The less imposing you are, the greater your victory will be.

If he beats you up, you'd better have a jacket you can put over your head.

​There is nothing quite as fulfilling as playing as Jigglypuff and smacking somebody with a collapsible fan until they are hurled to their death.  Besting your opponent is great; humiliating your opponent is priceless.