The Ten Greatest Mustaches and Beards In All Of Video Gaming

By James Hawkins in Lists!, Misc Nonsense
Thursday, November 11, 2010 at 10:00 am
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The Ten Facial Constructions.
It is that time of year again -- time for No-shave November (or Mo-vember, for you Midwesterners). Men everywhere are growing out their mustaches and beards for the entirety of the eleventh month, turning their cheeks into exquisite gallerias of masculinity.

And, since we're a video game site, we've decided that this month would be the perfect month to look at some of gaming's most decadent furry facial accessories. Some are famous for their owners, and some owners are famous for them. Here we go, a tribute to the handsomest, most famous mustaches and beards in the gaming realm.

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10. King of All Cosmos
Katamari Damacy
The beautiful King of All Cosmos is very well known for his irresponsible drinking habits and ridiculous requests, not for his neatly clipped mane. But it should be noted that the King's beard has been crafted by a deft hand, and that the delicate care he puts into his getup does not stop at the neck. Or weird earpieces.

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9. Doctor Wily
Mega Man
How Wily is able to mold his lip-tresses to mimic his hair is beyond me.  Part bat, part comb, part evil, Wily's brushy demonstration personifies his crazy scientist attitude, mixing order and chaos. How so? The nose-beard has been painstakingly manscaped to copy the pose of the hair -- and the hair is totally out of control.

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8. Bitores Mendez
Resident Evil 4
Bitores Mendez has neglected the neck-part of his body for quite some time. It is obvious that a razor (not soap and water, though) has hit his cheeks recently, but he has a nice little chin warmer to add to his evil facade. His beard is nothing to be envied or lauded. But it must be respected. The man has managed to center all of his ickiness on the four or five inches of pubic-like growth that emanates from his jawline. And that is a lot of ickiness. 

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7. Mike Haggar
Final Fight
Mr. Mike Haggar looks like Freddie Mercury, but hella buffer. And that should be taken as a compliment, as Mercury, while not a very handsome fellow, boasted one of the most robust mustaches to ever grace an upper lip. A single, thick caterpillar doesn't typically turn heads or warrant much applause, but Haggar's virile masculinity is splayed across his face in the most definitive, and impressive, of terms.

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6. Dusty
Medal of Honor
The Tier 1 Operators have become quite the symbol for our wars with their backwards hats, Oakley's, and magnificent fucking face bushes. Dusty, a hardened Tier 1 soldier, has realistic shooters' most distinguished beard. And for only being in the eye of the public for a few months, that's a hell of a feat. But hey, that's a hell of a beard.

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5. Zangief
Super Street Fighter
Zangief, your beard is damn near perfect. The only thing that could make it better is if it was magical. With that wry-but-retarded smile and those monster muscles, a rustic cheek carpet is a must-have. And he's got it. No glitz, no glam, just straight-up, fatty man brillo. 

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4. Captain John Price
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare
If you know Captain John Price's character, you know that this is the only way his face could look. I mean, the man is practically seeping rustic badass at all times. His swooping mouth brow adds emphasis to any command he shouts. And he is always either shouting or about to shoot someone in the head. And that is the kind of guy you just don't fuck with.

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3. Mario
Super Mario
The Mario mustache is the most recognizable video gaming mustache of all time. Inarguably, if you warm the lip of gaming's number 1 hero, you're going to be pretty damn famous. And Mario's mustache is perfect for him -- it is simple, well kept, and effective. Just like the spunky little plumber himself.

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2. Doctor Robotnik
Sonic the Hedgehog
Like Mario, Robotnik's mustache is very much on this list because of its notoriety. But Robotnik has a very distinct advantage: his mustache is anything but normal. The dude's spindly bristles have been force through such diabolical skin, they themselves have become diabolical. And having a diabolical mustache makes you, inevitably, cooler than you would be without.

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1. LeChuck
The Secret of Monkey Island
LeChuck simply has the best beard in the world. It is ever-changing, essentially magical, and full as all get out. It glows and flows on a whimsy and perfectly matches his shiver-me-timbers and swab-my-poopdeck personality. It is full and impossible and beautiful. LeChuck, we all long for beards -- some of us more than others -- and we fear and love yours.

Honorable Facial Hairs: Wario, Doctor Light, Solid Snake, Revolver Ocelot, John Marston

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