By James Hawkins in Lists!
Thursday, August 12, 2010 at 9:00 am
|The Biggest Douchebags|
And then, for some reason, there are the big douches. What's most surprising about these frustrating gents is how integral they have become to video game storylines, usually aiding or disrupting our hero in a big way. Some we love to hate, some we just flat out hate.
Well, here at Joystick Divsion, we have decided to put the ten biggest douchebags on a pedestal for the masses to admire. They consist of everything from 'roided out Jersey guidos to snickering canines, representing the most face-palm worthy virtual beings ever conceived. Enjoy yourself.
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
"Honditar's the name. I'm a hunter and mountain man. The deer here are skittish, need to get them quick, or they'll lead you a merry chase." A merry chase? This smug asshole just oozes douchiness -- from the top of his high-lighted mullet to his leather moccasins. He'll offer to help you, yes, but how can a guy like this be trusted?
He claims that his skills are in Advanced Athletics, but his shapeless body and round, jolly face betray his words. Feel free to steal arrows from him in Chorrol. He deserves to be taken advantage of.
9. Damon Baird
Gears of War Series
Before the Pendulum Wars, it is very likely that Baird was in a boy band. Of the four main COG characters, he definitely reigns supreme as the most irritating pretty boy character we love to hate. Plus his frosted tips, snarky attitude, and 1990s forehead goggles make us want to punch him in the face.
Despite his disposition, he is a necessary member of the team, so it looks like he'll be sticking around. But we can always hope that he goes the way of the Carmine and we end up with a new, more badass character.
8. Cloud Strife
Final Fantasy VII
Yep. Cloud is a d-bag. Final Fantasy 7 fans are pooping their pants, there's pandemonium, whatever. Get over him, folks. He may have come from a great game, but he stands out as a big one. And here's why:
Constant whining, irritating haircut, childish impulses, annoying name...shall I continue? Most of all, it's the insane amount of praise he gets for being nothing too awesome. It is felt by millions of people. Yeah, he's okay I guess, and that isn't his fault. But he's still cringe-worthy.
7. Norton Mapes
This ginger Elvis circa 1976 lookalike is one of the most frustrating asses in all of gaming history. First off, he has that snobby, know-it-all geek thing going on. Secondly, his pompadour just screams dickweed. And he gives the pudgy community a bad name by exercising every stereotype in the book.
He's crude, cocky, and always eating. He probably farts a ton, too. Either way, Norton Mapes is that guy at the office that makes people stop at a bar on the way home from work every day, tipping back drink after drink, clenching their fists with hatred.
6. Falco Lombardi
Falco Lombardi is an interesting case. He is extremely helpful, talented, and straightforward. But, as it turns out, he's also an uncooperative prick.
Every bogey he takes down comes with with some snide, self-aggrandizing comment. If a stray round crosses his helm, you don't hear the end of it. This is war, Falco, sometimes a blue laser blast will hit your ship, get over it. But, he's a helluva pilot, and a necessary bit of masculinity to even out the vibes Peppy and Slippy (especially Slippy) give off. Doesn't make him less of an egotist, though.
5. Billy Coen
Resident Evil 0
Resident Evil is flush with wonderfully campy characters and goofy dialogue. The world has grown very fond of it over the years -- it is legendarily quirky. But there's something about Billy Coen that really grinds our gears.
It could be the way he patronizes the ultra-hot Rebecca Chambers, or the way he automatically acknowledges that his shit smells the sweetest of anyone in the room. Not a badass, not a charmer. Just a total, utter douche.
4. Brucie Kubbitz
Grand Theft Auto IV
Brucie is the video game equivalent of The Situation. And though I've never seen the show Jersey Shore, I'm pretty sure that guy is a douche. Brucie is all about working out, scoring with two chicks at one time, and driving hot cars. And a Chinese (maybe) character on his chest.
He's likable enough, sure, but his fake-n-bake tan and brotastic attitude make extended periods of time with him intolerable. He's in your face, hyper-positive, and obviously over-compensating. But he gets the chicks and the bull shark testosterone shakes he drinks are working -- he's cut up -- so, hey dude, go for it. Be as big a douche as possible.
Super Mario/Wario Series
Wario is a butthole. He is a bloated, envious, trifling antagonist that steals money and pisses off everything in his path. And he is a buff, formidable opponent for our hero Mario. Between Bowser and Wario, it is surprising that Mario hasn't gone postal quite yet.
It is hard not to like him, though. His flatulent personality is pretty hilarious, and his own brand of games have long been well-received. Also, sometimes Mario is way too goody-goody. A nice dash of douche to the Mario theme is a welcome change.
If only you could turn your weapon on this dog, the video game world would have become a much nicer and more accepting place. Think about it: this dog might be the progenitor of all video game chaos.
For a game as imprecise and frustrating as Duck Hunt, the Dog is a cruel addition to the mix. He (we're assuming its a he) peeks up at a distance and giggles at our misfortune. And there's no recourse, no repercussions. It's awful. And we hate it. Fuck that dog.
1. Gary Oak
If Ash was my opponent, I'd be a huge douchebag, too. Look at it this way: Ash is always winning and getting the praises of Professor Oak -- the only father figure in Gary's sad life, and his luck is always off -- he beats the Elite Four and gets immediately ousted.
But we don't feel bad for him, because everything he does is a dick-swinging contest. Nothing about him is sympathetic. From minute one, he's bellicose, confrontational, and ultra-cocky. Literally. Look at every line of dialogue he has from Red or Blue...doesn't say a single thing that makes me want to be his friend. And that, sir, makes you a douchebag.
Honorable Mentions: King of the Cosmos, Albert Wesker, Sephiroth, Tails, M. Bison, Zeke from Infamous