0:00 I usually prefer my virtual driving in kart or off-road form, but damned if I didn't wake up this morning wanting to race something, and this is the only unplayed racing game I have on hand.

0:01 Stirring synthesized trumpet music on the preview screen. I could see listening to this while doing a Rocky-style training montage.

0:02 Lots of wispy graphs and green speed lines whoosh around a hot-as-hell F1 car. The signal turns from red to green and it zooms down the road at warp speed, blurring everything around it. The rather pedestrian title screen with that trumpet music again.

0:03 I name my racer Brock Driverson because that's the kind of mood I'm in today. I choose Qatar as my country, for tax purposes.

0:05 I turn on the racing line, steering assist, predictive braking, anti-skid, anti-wheel-spin, and automatic transmission. I may as well not even be driving.

0:06 There are three control configurations that use the Nunchuk. There are zero that use the Wii Wheel. Pity, that.

0:07 I start a Single Player Grand Prix Weekend and get to choose from amongst 20 people that I assume are real F1 drivers. I go with a guy named Räikönnen because his name and picture are ridiculously Finnish, and also because he drives a Ferrari and every ten-year-old Ferraris are BADASS!

0:09 Track 1 in Melbourne is an oval-ish course with a few jagged sharp turns. I can race through three practice sessions and a qualifying run or just go race. Of course I decide to just go race.

0:10 An muddy-sounding announcer mumbles something about sticky pavement and limited passing opportunities. Whatever, let's get on with it.

0:15 Well, that was... odd. Right off the controls just feel off somehow. It's like I'm floating slightly above the track -- like I'm in a hovercraft rather than an F1 racer. There's just not enough of a feeling of friction with the track. The acceleration is way too smooth and my turning traction seems largely unaffected by my speed. The graphics are nice enough, for the Wii, at least, but the floaty controls are taking me right out of it. Anyway, I zoomed past the pack early and remained four to eight seconds behind the leader for the entire remainder of the race. I get a silver trophy for my troubles.

0:17 The GP Weekend was just one race, apparently, so I back out and start a New Career. Let's turn opponent skill up to Hard. And race distance to "10% of full race." I have no idea how long a full race is, but 10% sounds about as much as I can handle... I also turn on all the "realistic" features like vehicle damage, fuel use, tire wear, weather conditions, component failure and strict penalties. Maybe this will help the unreal feeling of the racing so far.

0:20 In my virtual inbox, the BMW Sauber team wants me to test their car. So does the Toro Rosso team. Look at me... playing the field!

0:21 The BMW test session is on an incredibly hairpin-packed track. There's HUGE crowd of virtual fans for a test session.

0:23 Despite having supposedly "strict" penalties, I'm driving through grass on the corners with no apparent harm.

0:25 The sense of speed is much more intense from the first-person, low-to-the-ground view, of course, Also, when I'm zoomed way out the Wii's frame rate occasionally stutters on the turns.

0:26 I thought it would be over after I set a "new record" on the first lap, but no, I continued through an absolutely awful second lap where I was 11 seconds off my initial time. What do I have to do to move on, here?

0:28 Only after lap 3 do I notice a countdown timer counting down 60 minutes. You mean you want me to do this for 50 more minutes? No thanks... I choose "ed session" from the menu and am told that I failed to beat the target lap time. So I guess that "record time" was just a personal record, eh?

0:29 I get an e-mail about my failed test. "We will be sticking with our current drivers for the upcoming season." Oh yeah, well SCREW YOU BMW! Maybe the Toro Rosso team will know how to TREAT a driver!

0:33 I'm surprised how narrow this Italian track is on my first lap, and how little zig-zag sections slow me down exceptionally on the straightaways. On my second lap I really focus on that racing line and on braking when it says I should, The result: an even worse time than the first lap. GAH!

0:37 I just realized that my brakes are incredibly powerful. I can slow from nearly 200 mph down to first gear in literally less than a second. Is that normal for F1 cars? Or just for this game?

0:40 Now I've realized how extensive that "assisted braking" really is. I can literally hold the accelerator for the entire race and the game will automatically slow me to the appropriate speed as I approach a turn. No wonder my brakes seemed so effective. Let's turn all this assistance stuff off and see if the racing feels any more realistic. I'll keep the automatic transmission, though.

0:42 Wow... without any help, I spin out horribly on my very first turn. I feel like my car is sticking to the track better, though, and that the car's balance  is really affected by my speed. I guess all that assistance stuff was just getting in the way.

0:45 I restart the lap a half-dozen times before I can get through the first turn without spinning out. Only when I take it EXTREMELY slowly and clip the corner do I get through. Well, I've taken things from "too easy" to "too hard" in record time, here.

0:47 You know what would really help the controls here? Some form of analog acceleration/braking. Too bad there's no Xbox 360 version...

0:50 I feel like I'm getting the feel for the physics by end of my first unassisted lap, but I still spin out a bit and end up five seconds behind the necessary pace. With the assistance on, I was only one or two seconds behind. I am DETERMINED to do this. Maybe I'll turn on the racing line...

0:54 The on-course racing line helps, mainly by telling me when to brake before turns, but I still tend to go too fast around the bend and skim the grass occasionally. I'm also having trouble accelerating out of turns gently enough... when I hit the gas I always peel out and skid a bit. I reiterate my call for analog pedal control!

0:56 I'm down to one second off the target pace. I think. It's really hard to read the HUD. Tapping the accelerator when coming out of turns is helping quite a bit.

0:57 I race what I think was close to a perfect lap before nicking the sandy edge on the final turn and spinning out horribly. ARGH! I think I have time for just one more.

0:59 What will be my last lap for the hour is a joke of cosmic proportions. My nerves are shot.

1:01 Apparently I was looking at the wrong thing on the HUD, because when I quit out to the garage I learn I never got closer than three seconds to the qualifying pace.BLARGH!

Would I play this game for more than an hour? No.

Why? I have a wealth of better racing games already... and they have analog pedal control!