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Dante's Inferno has finally arrived, and, well... it's not good, people. But come on, how could anyone really be surprised? When the best you can come up with in a game version of one of the greatest literary works of all time is: "The player will sew a cross to his chest and beat the shit out of demons - oh, and there'll be tits!", even the most forgiving gamer has to roll his eyes.

This doesn't mean Dante's Inferno won't be successful. It might even do well - why wouldn't it? I refer you to Paragraph 1: Demon-Punching, and Tits. You'd have to be pretty new to this to underestimate the appeal of either. In fact, Dante's Inferno could even be so successful that we'll not only get a sequel (an appalling enough notion), but EA and other publishers will start looking at other literary classics to shit all over with a derivative, dopey game. 

And there are so many great books that could make for a laughable game if we follow the Inferno model, slashing 95% of what made them great and then fornicating on top of the 5% we kept. Let me show you how it's done.

1. Ulysses (James Joyce)

Ulysses follows protagonist Leopold Bloom's wanderings through Dublin for a single day: June 16, 1904. Famously unreadable for - in part - having a plot that doesn't follow anything close to a straight line, a bold developer could eschew all that and turn Bloom into a parkour-practicing Irishman scrambling over Dublin's rooftops, turning Ulysses into a Crackdownesque free-roaming adventure. There weren't many cars to steal in 1904 Ireland, players having to settle for jacking horse drawn carriages and bicycles - but who's going to be on the ground when you can hop on the rooftops, finding hidden bowls of thick giblet soup with nutty gizzards? (Collect all 100 for an Achievement!)

2. The Stranger (Albert Camus)

Just because it's packed with more weighty philosophical ideas than you'd think could fit in a 123-page book doesn't mean it wouldn't make a fine videogame. I suggest a crossover with Phoenix Wright, in which Capcom's tireless, spiky-haired attorney gives protagonist Meursault the trial he deserves! And in a big, fire engine red font to boot!

3. Of Mice and Men (John Steinbeck)

For years, Namco has been showing they're happy to shoehorn any recognizable character into Soul Calibur, regardless of fit - Link, Spawn, Heihachi, even fucking Yoda. So why not the two main characters from Steinbeck's classic, George Milton and Lennie Small? Lennie's strengths would be obvious: hulking, powerful, and a deep, irresistible need to squeeze pretty, soft things to death would give him an edge against cheesecake fighters like Taki or Ivy. So he's a bit "special" - you don't need a college degree to kick ass!

As for George, well... he's got a pistol, and does extra damage from behind. Don't turn your back on him.

4. In Cold Blood (Truman Capote)

The popularity of Batman: Arkham Asylum simply can't be ignored, so the game version of In Cold Blood starts with Capote visiting murderers Richard Hickock and Perry Smith in prison when - wouldn't you know it! - inmates overpower all the guards and take over, leaving the writer to put things back in order. Because as we all know, there's nothing convicted felons fear more than a diminutive, effeminate bow tie-wearing author lurking in the shadows.

5. 1984 (George Orwell)

Finally, how can we as gamers ignore the potential of a game set in Orwell's dystopia? Naturally the original story of Winston Smith living in - and eventually ground into dust by - an oppressive totalitarian state doesn't give the average gamer the sort of catharsis he craves. The average gamer needs a catharsis, man. And multiplayer online first-person shooters.

Go online, pick a side, and wade into a three-way battle between Oceania, Eurasia, and Eastasia - but be careful: in Airstrip One, the rules can change pretty quickly... even mid-match.

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Oh, that's a shame. What? What do you mean that's bullshit? Thought Police! THOUGHT POLICE! 

Until next time...

Gary Hodges is a freelance writer and artist who contributes to Joystick Division. He's always contributed to Joystick Division.