Top Seven Video Games of the Republican National Convention

Posted by Anton Gordon at 11:01 PM Sep 04, 2008

With John McCain officially accepting the nomination to become the Republican Party’s Presidential nominee, political convention season is over. But the fun doesn’t have to stop! Joystick Division is mildly proud to present The Top Seven Video Games of the RNC! Read on for the for political satire the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Fox News cancelled The ½ Hour News Hour!

7. John McCain's Pork Invaders

Kicking things off is John McCain's official game: Pork Invaders! Check out those graphics. Aww yeah. This Facebook application has players firing vetoes at pork barrel projects. You know, the bloated projects that McCain rails against? Like this one he targeted, initiated by an little-known Alaskan mayor named Sarah Palin.

6. Deadliest Catch: Alaskan Storm

While we're on the SP tip, let's keep rolling with this charming title from The Discovery Channel! If Sarah Palin misses her old stomping grounds while she's down amongst the evil East Coast elite in Washington, she can always pop this game into her Xbox 360. Add the smell of moose droppings and some Big Oil handouts, and it's just like being back home!

5. Left Behind: Eternal Forces

To appeal to the religious wing of the party, there's the Left Behind game, based on the popular series of Christian books. The game is a real-time strategy title that pits the chosen against the armies of the Antichrist after the Rapture. Out of all the titles on this list, this one sounds the most awesome. Apocalypses are cool, Unholy armies are bad ass. RTS games are fun. Except for this one. It actually sucks.

4. NRA Gun Club

A gun range is a place where you can go and pretend you're shooting dudes. A video game is something that you can play to pretend you're shooting dudes. A video game of a gun range is a simulation of a simulation of shooting dudes. It's kind of like that photocopied page from Playboy I had in Junior High. It did the job, but was kind of sad at the same time. By the way, if you're interested in NRA Gun Club, there's a new genre of games you should check out called "first-person shooters." Many of them are great. Some of them, however, are Fugitive Hunter.

3. Fugitive Hunter

If you somehow manage to endure this terrible FPS with its blocky graphics, respawning enemies and piss-poor controls all the way to the end, you'll face off against Osama Bin Laden in Mortal Kombat-style kung-fu combat. I shit you not. And if that wasn't bad enough, then there's this:

2. John Kerry's Silver Star

How do you get your party's mojo back the morning after a crushing defeat in a Presidential election? Remember how well you creamed the last guy! John Kerry may have the personality of a bowl of shredded wheat, but its amazing how his military service was used against him in the 2004 campaign. What really happened aboard Kerry's Swift Boat back in Vietnam? Play this game to find out! It's a fair and objective portrayal, right? Of course! After all, one of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth consulted on it. And we all know that those guys were completely honest. After all, today the phrase "swiftboating" is used to describe "praising with a story that's completely honest and complimentary." Wait... it doesn't?

1. Cho Aniki Series
You may not know its name, but you've heard of the Cho Aniki series. It's the homoerotic shooter series starring muscle-bound speedo wearing men named Samson and Adon.

That's right, it's the easy "Republicans are closeted homosexuals" joke. Yeah, I went there.

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