Joystick Division Roundtable: Bionic Commando Rearmed

Posted by Gary Hodges at 5:59 PM Aug 20, 2008

Having had a chance to swing, shoot, swear and explode heads in Bionic Commando Rearmed for a week, three of Joystick Division's prestigious crew - Anton Gordon, Chris Ward and Gary Hodges - decided to meet up via the interwebs to discuss Grin's remake of one of the most beloved hardcore classics from the 8-bit era.

Click on through for witty banter, lowbrow humor, and even some SPOILERS...

GARY: Okay, the first official JD roundtable! (trumpets flare)

CHRIS: (Sirens wake up the neighbors)

ANTON: Complaints about the tech support department are logged.

GARY: Can we call it a Threesome on JD?

ANTON: I think we have to call it that. By law.

GARY: So…Bionic Commando Rearmed!

ANTON: Yes!

CHRIS: I wish I had something to say on the matter. Good-bye! [Leaves Chat]

GARY: Excellent. Who wants to start?

CHRIS: I’m back! I'll start by saying I have never played any other Bionic Commando incarnation except this one. The game just passed me by as a kid, though I played plenty of Barbie titles. That “Shoe Level” was hard, am I right?

GARY: Now by "Barbie Titles", you just mean Barbies, right?

CHRIS: Yes. That's exactly what I mean.

GARY: Go on.

CHRIS: Re-Armed is probably my single favorite downloadable title, with the exception of Pac-Man Championship Edition. I really needed a good "throw your controller" experience, and this could be it. In a good way. So many games spoon feed me now days…developers want you to beat the game so you can see all the cool things they’ve done up to the very end. I’m not sure if I’m going to beat Bionic Commando Rearmed. And, in a weird way, I’m almost OK with that. Almost. Some of my favorite games of all time I’ve never fully completed. Stuff like Double Dragon 2.

GARY: I have to say, I'm surprised and pleased to hear that, because - and this is coming from a diehard fan of the NES game - I thought the game might just be too weird and difficult for newcomers.

CHRIS: I never found it too weird. I mean, you can't jump. But you also have a bionic fucking arm. So you have to suspend disbelief. Link could never jump either, it’s just part of the game mechanic and you deal with it.

ANTON: I'm also pretty surprised to hear that. I was a huge fan of the original and I'm honestly a bit let down with Rearmed. I like it a lot, but it also exposes the rose-colored glasses I viewed the original through.

CHRIS: The biggest adjustment, for me, was playing a game where instead of saving a princess, you're behind enemy lines looking for your hetero-life mate, Super Joe. I haven't reached the end, but is the line "I'm Super Joe, thanks for asking!" in there somewhere?

GARY: That line isn't, but there is a visual at the end that will satisfy your weird need to see gay subtext everywhere. But I know what Anton is saying. I described it to him as a little bit like that ex-girlfriend you never stopped thinking about, but when you finally got back together with her you almost immediately remembered all those things about her that made you want to choke her.

ANTON: Leave it to Chris to inject the conversation with some gay innuendo.

GARY: Always go for the gay joke, eh Ward? Hack.

CHRIS: It's kind of refreshing, actually, to save a dude. No joke! And Super Joe is a good dude to save, if you must save a dude. And I insist that we must save more dudes.

ANTON: Well, he is Super.

CHRIS: So let's recap: 10 minutes into this, and we've discussed homoerotic subtext and girlfriend choking. Great job guys. Classy.

ANTON: No problem.

CHRIS: Still, I think Gary's girlfriend choking metaphor is dead on. Dead on, like, I don’t know…toddler strangling or something.

Retro Rad GARY: I'll try to steer us away from the jagged shore of domestic violence and gay sex: BCR is rough. I had forgotten how unforgiving the game actually is. And while a lot of the control refinements Grin made make it a little more playable, there's a new sequence at the end that’s just horrendously cruel. Not to mention the challenge rooms.

CHRIS: There was a 48-hour period after I got the game when there were NO walkthroughs online. And it's like that was completely unacceptable to me. How dare they expect me to figure something out on my own, like in the days of old? It was nice in a way, to bring back that good ol' NES rage and mind-boggling frustration when you can't figure out how to beat something…the times when you just had to wait until recess the next day to ask people what you were doing wrong, and then wait to get home and try it again. But these kids today…these kids today have it easy!

ANTON: Playing this game makes me marvel at what a young superhuman specimen I was before time ravaged me with its cruelty. I actually didn't know for years after the fact that Bionic Commando was considered a hard game. I beat it so many times as a kid I just assumed everyone else had done so, too. But Rearmed reinforces how difficult the original really was. I can’t imagine revisiting some of these stages without a health meter or a save file.

CHRIS: Still, didn’t they ever think we might need to know that TAPPING B is necessary to beat the MAMA truck? I must have left 80 voicemails on Gary's phone: "How the fuck do I beat MAMA?"

ANTON: Not the first time he's had a call from you about beating Mama.

CHRIS: And it won't be the last. She should have had dinner ready!

GARY: Gay innuendo, choking girlfriends, beating your mama...

CHRIS: But, really, I must have tried everything. I finally found some video online, but was a little ashamed to be looking for tips instead of figuring it out on my own. Or just waiting for vague, unhelpful advice from my Nintendo Power.

GARY: "To beat MAMA, find its weakness and SWING TO SURVIVE!" ~Nintendo Power

CHRIS: "Here's a fuzzy screenshot from FUTURE CHALLENGES you'll encounter!" ~Nintendo Power

ANTON: That's one thing I really do like about Rearmed: the boss battles. Overall, they're pretty clever, and they expand on the original formula in a nice way, like using the arm to pull the bolts out of MAMA. Unlike some people, I didn't have much trouble with MAMA. It's not Braid, Chris.

CHRIS: No, if it were Braid, I’d be curled up in a corner sobbing already. After MAMA, I did give up for a bit, and downloaded the Bionic Commando NES ROM to see what the original game was like, and I don't think I could get to a boss in that game if I wanted to. No fucking health meter? Brutal.

GARY: The boss battles are a great addition, and I think they did a great job reverse-engineering 8-bit gameplay. You could imagine that maybe the bosses were in the old version. Though as a purist, I did miss the original’s end-of-level reactors. Did you, Anton?

ANTON: I do. It was really satisfying to time that final shot in mid-air. Getting through the reactor rooms in the original was like a puzzle. Dodge the enemies, swing from the right place, fire from the exact right place in mid-air.

GARY: I mean, at least ONE reactor would've been nice. And I still don’t care for Rad’s new crewcut. Rad Spencer had wacky spiky hair, that was his look. It was iconic - you don't modernize that. I don’t see a movement to update Guile’s hair, or to make, I dunno... Mario look less swarthy. Is that racist?

ANTON: A little.

GARY: Good, that’s what I was going for. Can I talk about the last boss? Does Chris need to cover his eyes?

CHRIS: Go ahead, I'll just download some Jonas Brothers while you guys are doing that.

ANTON: Please continue. And let's not forget to mention that this Threesome CONTAINS SPOILERS.

GARY: Grin was weirdly timid about "The Leader's" identity. I think everyone knows the final boss in the original was Hitler, a.k.a. “Master-D”. It's still Hitler in this version, but they hide his face behind an oxygen mask and never refer to him as anything but The Leader. In the original, even with crude 8-bit graphics, it was a full portrait of Hitler, there was no mistaking him. I wonder if there were worries at Capcom HQ?

ANTON: Well, the claims of racism in Resident Evil 5 probably put them on the defensive a bit, yeah.

CHRIS: Hey guys, I’m back. What did I miss?

GARY: Sorry, Chris. Hitler's the last guy. Aeris dies, Vader is Luke's father, Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense is a ghost...

CHRIS: Oh cool, I love Hitler! Wait, can we edit that later?

ANTON: Nope. But seriously, stuff like the RE5 issue becomes a company-wide thing. It doesn't stay isolated to Capcom's Zombie Affairs department. Capcom may have been sensitive about being the company that makes games about Hitler and Whitey shooting black people. Or they may just be pussies. I dunno.

GARY: That's very possible (the former, not your pussy hypothesis). And it's silly, because - like I said - virtually every classic gamer knows about that part. And it’s not like you’re joining up, you’re KILLING him. So to back away from it – something that was a big reveal in the NES version – seems weak.

ANTON: There are no Nazis in Lego Indy.

GARY: Well that's an E-rated game, I guess. Though maybe someday Spielberg will catch whatever disease Lucas has and digitally erase all mentions of Nazi Germany from the Indiana Jones movies themselves.

ANTON: We can only hope. I hate reminders that bad things ever happened.

GARY: Makes me cry sometimes.

ANTON: I cry a lot.

GARY: I cry every time my cell rings and I see it’s Chris.

CHRIS: Fun Fact: Duplo owns the rights to Nazi toys, that's why LEGO excluded them in the games.

ANTON: Duplo are LEGOs, ass.

Rearmed Rad GARY: Did anyone read the Rearmed review at Gamespot?

CHRIS: Nope.

ANTON: That would require me to read Gamespot.

CHRIS: Zing!

GARY: Touche.

ANTON: Anyway, what did it say?

GARY: I swore off them after Gertsmanngate, but in reading the BCR forums I saw talk of their review: 7.5, a big complaint was the controls, which the reviewer thought were sloppy. I don't agree at all. They are demanding, but they aren't bad – there’s a big difference.

CHRIS: I had some issues with the controls as well, but maybe I'm spoiled by Metroid Prime 3's amazing grappling. During the construction level climb, I missed a swing and fell all the fucking way down. All the way. That’s one of the most awful feelings in any game. “Yep…I’m falling. All the way down. And I’m going to have to climb this bitch all over again.” I think that happened to me in most of the Mega Man games, or Kid Icarus.

GARY: With Prime 3, don't you just point and lick the Wiimote?

CHRIS: "Lick" the Wiimote? Yes. Lick the Wiimote. That's how it's played. Jesus Christ.

GARY: Sorry, I got mixed up. Nintendo sent me their next big casual game to preview, "Let's Fellate!"

ANTON: Anyway. I'd disagree that the controls are sloppy. They function exactly as intended. It's just that they are intended to require a large degree of precision.

GARY: Exactly.

CHRIS: Yeah, there's no hand holding

ANTON: Just as with "Let's Fellate!"

CHRIS: So that's what the Wii's new accelerometer is for!

ANTON: Precisely. 1:1 motion.

CHRIS: “Too-easy, homoerotic overtone jokes, have you met Wii masturbation jokes? No? Then I insist you do. Welcome to the party. Feel free to throw your keys in the bowl.”

GARY: Apparently Kotaku complained about the lack of a jump button, which almost seems like a joke.

CHRIS: Complaining about a lack of jump button is like reviewing Tetris and saying, "well, there aren't boss battles."

ANTON: Agreed.

GARY: I’ll just say it: It's fucking retarded.

ANTON: Take that, Kotaku!

GARY: BOOM! You'll NEVER forget me, Kotaku!

ANTON: How many major game sites can we insult in one discussion?

CHRIS: “Capcom? More like CRAPcom! Am I right?”

GARY: I’ll write Microsoft as M$, with the dollar sign there. The statement is powerful and elegant. Oh, and IGN's reviews are too long. Coming from me, that's pretty harsh.

ANTON: And Games Radar... well, it's Games Radar.

CHRIS: Let's get back to the girlfriend choking.

ANTON: Yes, let’s.

GARY: So name me two or three 8-bit games apiece you'd like to see given the BCR treatment.

CHRIS: Karnov.

ANTON: Bad Dudes.

CHRIS: Pong.

GARY: Okay, if you guys aren't going to take this seriously I'm just going to take my ball and go home. BAD DUDES?

ANTON: haha

CHRIS: Fuck yeah, Bad Dudes! And Double Dragon. And Renegade. And Bubble Bath Babes.

ANTON: Ok, fine. How about Strider?

GARY: The arcade or NES Strider?

ANTON: Both!

GARY: Sorry, the correct answer was "Custer's Revenge". You both phail.

ANTON: I was never really into it, but Blaster Master seems like a natural fit.

GARY: Blaster Master would be awesome.

CHRIS: Blaster Master, YES. Though, if you work at GameSpot, you might take points off because "the top down levels are a drag." They actually said that about BCR.

GARY: You know, the top down levels were a drag in the old one too…

ANTON: Lies! That’s part of what made it so great. Having two different types of gameplay back then was mind-blowing.

GARY: …BUT if they cut them out like GS advocates, every fan of the original would be screaming. Anyway, they serve a purpose: you can farm 1ups. Which you’ll need.

CHRIS: And "3D Puzzles are a bore." Fuck that, I really liked those hacking stages in Rearmed. They're smart, and worth playing just to hear the hilarious banter.

ANTON: I'd agree on the hacking puzzles critique. They got boring. Not as boring as BioShock's water pipe hacking, though.

CHRIS: Yeah, I hated that about BioShock. But I think BC's are mostly harmless.

GARY: Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought the hacking minigame was good enough to be expanded into a standalone download.

ANTON: Guh.

GARY: Have I totally undone any credibility I had?

ANTON: Yep.

CHRIS: I'm with Gary, you could design a puzzle game around that schematic. With portals and shit. Hey, there's an idea, a puzzle game about PORTALS!

GARY: SHIT WE'LL BE MILLIONAIRES

ANTON: "I got it! A box... with a ball in it!"

CHRIS: "It's like Ballblaster, but with more BALLS!"

ANTON: SUPER GLOVE BALL!!!!

CHRIS: Ballblaster…is that right? Wasn't that the Spielberg game?

ANTON: Close enough.

3D Ex-Con Rad

GARY: As much as I think BC holds up, I still have concerns about the new 3D one coming out. I'm not sure how well this gameplay can translate.

CHRIS: I have concerns about any 3D translation of a 2D game. It's such an easy design choice "Hey, let's do this old game...but in 3D!" There's a reason Contra 4 is so fucking great, and the non 2D Castlevania games suck.

ANTON: Previews have said that the swinging mechanic is problematic.

GARY: How can it not be? But then again: the people saying that are the same ones complaining about the swing mechanic in BCR. Some people are “differently-abled” when it comes to bionic grappling.

ANTON: Well, Treyarch nailed it with at least two of their Spider-Man games.

CHRIS: That's true. I hope there's just some auto-lock swinging system so I don't have to do any work.

GARY: What? What did you just say? You've been playing too much Wii.

ANTON: Press button to win!

CHRIS: Deca Sports RULZ. I'll admit...I've been licking the Wiimote.

GARY: MGS4 is the best game EVAR, I just hit a button and watch awesome shit happen!!!11!

CHRIS: haha

ANTON: Guh. I gave up on that shit. And I liked the first three!

GARY: I slogged through the whole damn game, and will never forgive Kojima for it.

CHRIS: I have to say, I think we're lucky to be getting games like Rearmed, and Contra 4, and Pac-Man Championship Edition. AND MEGA MAN 9. I like being catered to.

GARY: So what do you guys think of the decidedly retro-looking Mega Man 9?

ANTON: Thumbs up. Very clever idea.

CHRIS: I can't wait.

GARY: They added a fucking flicker option. I love it.

CHRIS: I'm going to have to ice down my nuts every night from the massive hard on I get looking at Mega Man 9. In hindsight, I crossed a line with that sentence.

ANTON: Anyway, I want to circle back to Rearmed for a minute and away from your hard on.

GARY: Thank you Anton.

ANTON: Any time. Okay, so here's my take on it so far: I loved the original, but a lot of what I loved about the original was because it was different. Overworld map? Collectible weapons? Swinging? Nazis?

GARY: Don't forget swearing and exploding heads.

ANTON: It was all crazy, zany stuff back in the NES days. Now, most of Bionic Commando's big ideas are pretty commonplace. I really like the way they updated the game while keeping pretty faithful to the original. But on the other hand, it also revealed that a lot of my affinity for Bionic Commando was nostalgia. Which, in general, I have little use for. The co-op, though: Brilliant.

CHRIS: Maybe we're playing a different game: Exactly what is commonplace about a 3D Ball game-within-a-game? Brilliant! There is a ball in the box, and you move it around! Who needs Hitler? Also, I don't have the benefit of nostalgia having missed out on the original game as a kid, but I really enjoyed all the nostalgic touches. Like the hidden Mega Man hard hat guy, or the goofy way characters talk, and the glitchy noises.

ANTON: I love how they poked fun at the past with intentionally retro goofiness.

GARY: I had some problems with my nostalgia goggles too. Even though I'm enjoying the game more than either of you (I think), nostalgia made me forget how demanding the game is. I still like its “hardcore” quality, but it makes it a game I can’t enjoy casually, instead I have to sit down and say "Okay, BCR time, gotta get my game face on and focus"... it's not really pleasant. It's exciting, and you feel accomplished for playing it, but it's not a game you can just play to unwind.

ANTON: Very true. I dig it, I'll play all the way through it, but I doubt I'll do so many times. Area Six (the Docks) made me scream a lot for some reason.

CHRIS: It's challenging, but not in a bad way... they still let you pick up from where you left off this time around, no matter how many times you fail. Which is a lot. And if you want a real challenge, there's the Holodeck levels. Actually, screw that noise. My brain hurts just thinking about playing them. Madness.

GARY: I finished it on normal, and experimented with super hard, and immediately went back to easy. Easy is nice for exploring, finding secrets, and seeing the whole game without giving yourself a stroke. Anything above normal almost feels like exercise. I did it once because of some sort of feeling of geek/superfan obligation, but I probably won’t ever play it again on anything but easy.

CHRIS: Fine, I'll say it: Gary is a pussy. If we were on a beach, I would kick sand in your scrawny face.

GARY: “Gary, Gary - help me with MAMA!" Anton, he was sobbing into the phone.

ANTON: Oh, I believe it.

CHRIS: Hey, I was playing on Medium! Medium is HARD, you know? [sobs]

GARY: "What button fires my gun!?"

CHRIS: "I'm pressing A! It's not doing anything!"

GARY: "Why doesn't it have WAGGLE?"

ANTON: Try licking the controller!

GARY: Oh, he tried.

CHRIS: I always try that first.

ANTON: Gentlemen: How many Blue Pig Ganons do you award Rearmed? I'm assuming you're willing to share the coveted BPG rating scale, Gary.

CHRIS: 5. Well, maybe 4.5. The top-down levels are a drag - Kidding! It's a pretty solid game, wouldn't you agree? Like I said, we're lucky to be getting games like this... so much love was obviously but into this one.

GARY: 4.5, for picky little things like not being true enough to the original character design, some technical hiccups, etc., though honestly if every 8-bit remake was of this standard, I'd be delighted. But there are niggles.

CHRIS: Niggles? Please.

GARY: This is why I didn’t review it. The game was too big a deal to me as a kid. It makes me love some parts too much, and view little problems too critically. I will say this, though: it's a phenomenal value at $10.

CHRIS: Yeah, unbelievable.

GARY: The amount of content here is astounding, Capcom is being ripped off. You can bet their next remake won’t be so cheap.

ANTON: 4 Blue Pig Ganons for me. I like it a lot, but my expectations were pretty high, and it seems clear to me now that Bionic Commando will always be a product of its time for me. It’s very, very good, but so far, my downloadable game to beat is Geometry Wars 2.

CHRIS: How's the 3D game gonna top this?

GARY: I played the 3D one at Comic-Con.

CHRIS: Braggart. What's it like?

GARY: Hard to say. It's not a game you can show a little bit of in a controlled environment, because the controls have a learning curve. You play just long enough to die 18 different ways.

CHRIS: Sounds like a winner to me.

ANTON: So who's gonna post this shit?

CHRIS: Furthermore, who’s going to read this shit?

By popular demand (okay, 1 person), here's a huge, widescreen wallpaper-sized version of the Rad Spencer Mighty Muggs lineup:

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