Shown: A blackface Al Jolson mannequin calmly breaking down a door in the midst of a raging inferno.

Alone in the Dark
Developer: Atari / ESRB Rating: MS [Mature Shit-Sandwich] / Price: Too Fucking Much. Buy lunch meat instead.

Upon playing Atari’s new horror/puzzle game “Alone in the Dark”—the newest and most hyped in the increasingly limp franchise—you’ll immediately realize there are more terrifying experiences out there than this astonishing failure. Here are three...

Actually being Alone in the Dark



Take your video game controller to your bedroom, sit on the floor and turn all the lights off. Now randomly stab at the buttons, hoping something frightening will happen. You’ve got a greater chance of something eventually slinking out of your closet—your cat, perhaps—and scaring the beejeezus out of you, than you do getting one goosebump during Alone in the Dark, the video game version.


Axe Body Wash



For starters, it’s called “Axe,” which conjours images of Jack Nicholson chopping through your bathroom door. Alone in the Dark, on the other hand, conjours laughably rendered, Sega Dreamcast-era graphics of beasties who skitter along with all the shock of a dropped package of M&M’s, spilling noisily towards the front of a movie theater. And the only thing chopping is the miserable, unforgivable frame rate. Also, Axe’s “Touch” Body Wash looks exactly like blood. I don’t know about you, but lathering your own junk with blood-replica soap seems more nauseating than Alone in the Dark’s miserably pixilated, almost cute, arterial sprays.

EXHIBIT A: Axe "Touch" Shower Gel



EXHIBIT B: Real Blood.




Cake Mania 2



Shown: Cake Mania 2 and cast of characters, including Dr. Chud from the Misfits, Marty McFly in radiation suit, and grandmother with stolen baby.


Just released, Cake Mania 2 is the girly-girl version of Root Beer Tapper, an addictive little handheld title where you play a waitress making heart-shaped cakes for demanding patrons. How’s this scarier than a supposed “survival horror” game? For one, your pulse will actually race as you try to keep up with Cake Mania’s anxiety-filled, customer-juggling action. And the pink cupcakes…my god, they’re everywhere! The first half-hour of Alone in the Dark, however, treats you to ungodly amounts of unskippable, sci-fi mumbo jumbo exposition. The best part? Your character—beaten within an inch of his life—must endlessly push a button during the cut scenes in order to keep his eyes open. “PUSH BUTTON TO BLINK!” the screen reminds you. I’d rather hit the snooze button.

We could go on about the ghastly dialogue (“don’t patronize me, asswipe!” screams a woman, with a straight face), the impossible to manage in-game camera and outdated control scheme. We could even harp on how annoying it is to sit through prior, lengthy cut-scenes every time you die—which is often. Should we mention it’s worse than the Alone in the Dark movie adaptation starring Tara Reid? Nah.


Screenshot from Uwe Boll's Oscar-Winning "Alone in the Dark" feature film.

It’s probably best to just blame Atari (and companies like them), who allegedly promised online reviewers early copies of this train-wreck in exchange for a high review score. When some of those sites panned the game, Atari pulled ad money, threatened lawsuits and, one assumes, launched some sort of Missile Command pummeling. Now that’s scary!

Payola is expected in an ad-driven industry where getting early review content means playing ball and, potentially, softening the blow. Waves of perfect scores for the unrevolutionary Metal Gear Solid 4 and Grand Theft Auto 4 prove that. And, yes, sweet nothings from PR folk are regularly whispered in the ears of the Joystick Division staff. Hey, if the game turns out to be good, we’re happy to mention it. But I’d sooner trip and fall down an elevator shaft (as you do in Alone in the Dark, again and again), than give this game an ounce of love. It’s that terrible. And, if you’ve heard otherwise, you might want to check your source.