Top 5 Videogame Items My Girlfriend Doesn't Realize I Own, And It's Better That Way

Posted by Gary Hodges at 1:10 AM May 09, 2008

I have a closet full of videogame stuff – literally: a closet, full. In truth it’s more of a closet-and-a-half, the boxes beginning to creep out the door a few feet into my office.

It’s a little bit of everything – old consoles (I’m especially proud of my TurboDuo modded with an S-Video output), reams of old magazines (the first couple years of Nintendo Power, practically the entire catalog of Diehard Gamefan), and a veritable Tutankhamen’s tomb of preorder bonuses and collector’s editions stretching back decades. Offhand, I’m having trouble thinking of a videogame relic I don’t own, aside from a Neo-Geo (but I’m looking).

So in a way, my girlfriend couldn’t possibly know all the shit I've got squirreled away - how could she, when even I’ve lost track?

Just the same, there are a few things I’ve made a point of her not knowing about, because... well... there'd be too much explaining. You understand. And since she only reads Joystick Division when I insist… we’ll just keep this our little secret, ‘kay?

5. “The Girls”

From left to right: Poison (Final Fight), Rachel (Ninja Gaiden), Ayane (Ninja Gaiden), Mai Shiranui (King of the Fighters, et al), Hitomi (Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball). Not pictured is the stench of my slowly decomposing soul.

There was a blog a few weeks ago where we could’ve used a pic of a classic NES controller, but I couldn’t get at mine; as I explained to fellow JD'er Jonathan McNamara, it was buried under boxes of Shunya Yamashita figures.

This was only partly correct: my NES is buried under boxes of a wide variety of Japanese PVC figures… mostly cheesecake videogame characters like the ones seen above.

These are only the tip of the iceberg, sadly – there’s at least a dozen more, from Cammy to Chun Li to Kirijo Mitsuru. There’s even a slapdash little NECA figure of the Succubus from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, seen here:

But that one is really lame, since 1) her legs are all crooked so she can’t stand on her own, and 2) the Succubus in SOTN wasn’t just topless, she was bottomless too. I guess I could file off her g-string, but thankfully I’m not that far gone yet.

“But wait,” those of you well-versed in Capcom trivia might be saying, “I thought Poison was supposed to be either a pre- or post-op transsexual – in short, a dude. So don't you have a statue of a dude? A statue of a dude in short-shorts and a tank top?” To that I would point out LA-LA-LA I'M NOT LISTENING I'M NOT LISTENING I CAN'T HEAR YOU LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!!!

4. Steel Battalion

I’m a huge defender of Capcom’s $200 behemoth for the original Xbox, and never regretted a cent I spent on it. I know a lot of gamers immediately dismissed it as a novelty release nobody would bother with, but I bothered – and it was awesome, a one-of-a-kind gaming experience that many gamers – had it been cheaper – would’ve enjoyed.

Some tried to poo-poo the game by pointing out – rather obtusely – it could’ve been done on a standard controller, showing they missed the whole point: that flipping actual switches, tuning an actual dial, punching real keys and flipping a physical safety cover off of your flashing red eject button when things got hairy was part of the experience (and therefore part of the gameplay) of Steel Battalion. It’s akin to suggesting you could play Rock Band’s drum portions with a control pad – I guess you could, but that’s not really what they had in mind.

So why the secrecy? Well, if she saw it, she'd probably ask why I never play it. I'd have to tell her the truth: I don't own an Xbox anymore and probably would never play it again even if I did, since it's too involved. So she'd ask why I keep it, and I'd have to give her a well-reasoned, carefully argued "Because. I'm keeping it because."

What else can I do with it? Throw something like this in the trash and Homeland Security would haul my ass to Guantanamo for clandestinely practicing flying commercial airliners.

3. Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball Playing Cards

I honestly can’t even begin to guess what my rationale was in buying these. Seriously, what was I going to do with them? They’ll never be worth anything. I’ll never actually embarrass myself by whipping them out in front of friends and family next time we play Hearts. And the images on the cards are too PG-13 to even use as bottom-grade masturbatory material. Believe me, I’ve tried.


2. Onimusha 3 Soul Controller (Import)

Hori’s Onimusha 3 Soul Controller is a purchase I'm still so furious about, I can't not think about, the fucking thing like a goddamned body I buried under the floorboards but whose wicked heart I can still hear beating.

So for the launch of Onimusha 3, Hori released this novelty controller – basically, a big plastic katana with a PlayStation 2 controller’s guts integrated into it. It comes with everything – a stand, a scabbard, even a little scroll neatly rolled up and tied with a ribbon.

I don't read Japanese so I’m not sure what this scroll says, but it’s probably some ancient Shinto poem that roughly translates to “Next time just try flushing your money down the toilet, round-eye!”

I saw this thing and thought to myself “Oh boy, that’s going to be worth something someday!” I mean, how unique! How weird! Something like that would never come Stateside! So I imported one and added it to the closet.

Then a few months later it was released in the States at half the price. Now it goes for about fifty bucks on eBay.

Made sense to leave the red eye in this one.

What makes the sting extra intense is what I paid to import this wand of shame: about $200. This was in 2004. Given the dire state of the American dollar today, I think that’s the current equivalent of about fifty-four thousand dollars.

I'm not even sure how you’d actually use this thing to play a game… look how the buttons and analogs are laid out. Where do I hold it? Where do my fingers go? What happened to me when I was a child that made me not respect money?

1. Virtual Sex with Tera Patrick

So in this game, you meet up with famed pornstar Tera Patrick in a perfectly black room and decide how – and with what appendages or organs – you’re going to--

Huh? IT IS SO a videogame; it’s interactive, isn’t it? Look at the title man: VIRTUAL. It’s just as interactive as those old laserdisc Dragon’s Lair or Space Ace games! So anyway, in one scene you get an option: either shoot your--

No? Come on, are you telling me this isn’t videogame-related at all?

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Fuck. Well, at least I don't have to spell out why it gets hidden.

~Gary Hodges


P.S.

Nick D'Aniello of Alexandria, VA is the official winner of my GTA4 Xbox 360 faceplate, by writing an essay on our nation's dangerous dependence on foreign oil. It was short, to the point, and thoroughly depressing.

Enjoy your faceplate, Nick.

P.P.S.

To answer Jesse's question in the comments: Everything in this blog are the big (1/8-1/6 scale) figures, though I have a ton of gashapon too. And I know exactly which Yamashita PVC you're talking about, since I have it sitting on my bookshelf:

Not videogame related, but one of my favorites.