Top 5 Uses For The Wii Fit Board Once You Inevitably Realize You Will Never, Ever Use It Again

By Gary Hodges in Features
Tuesday, May 27, 2008 at 1:33 pm


Can we talk like grown-ups? Can we be real? Let’s be real.

However good your intentions were when you bought Wii Fit, the fact is at some point – sooner than you think, and maybe already – you’ll realize you’re never going to use it again… just like those weights in the garage with a fine layer of dust on ‘em, just like that gym membership that deducted $19.95 from your account monthly for a whole year before you finally admitted defeat by pulling the plug on it.

You thought Wii Fit would be different. “Maybe Wii Fit is so fun it can trick me into exercising!” you hoped against hope. “Maybe this is the answer!”

It’s not. Even if Wii Fit didn't have the same weaknesses of other home exercise programs (i.e., there’s always a hundred other things you could do at home), it’s not an especially good workout. Not nearly as in-depth, structured or strenuous as other fitness “games” (Yourself!Fitness comes to mind), even Dance Dance Revolution is probably better exercise.

So what to do with this thing? The game is easy enough to tuck away somewhere, but what about your $90 piece of plastic, the Wii Fit Balance Board? Sure, you could just slide it under a bed, never to be seen or thought of again until some future move when you lift up the mattress and the dust bunny-covered board stares up to remind you of your silly purchase… but it’s $90. In these trying economic times, it’d be nice to find something to do with the thing.

Well here you go: 5 solid ideas on how to recycle your Wii Fit Balance Board.

#5 – Support the Troops


Send the Balance Board overseas! The thing is well-built, sturdy, and was specially modified by Nintendo to bear morbidly obese Westerners up to 330 pounds. Certainly our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan could find some use for this high-quality device.

#4 – Pool Toy Anchor

It’s summer, which means everyone is looking forward to getting in a swimsuit, slathering on some suntan lotion and going for a swim at your local pool (beach, lake, municipal canal, whatever the case may be). But this also means the kiddies will be out, and you’ve just gotta watch them around water. You can stuff them in water wings and pool toys, but how do you keep them from floating too far away? Daddy’s getting his drink on and ogling babes in thongs, he can’t be expected to sit and hold on to the kid the entire time.

Well since we’ve established you’re never going to use the Balance Board again, a little water won’t hurt it – just affix it to the tyke’s inflatable and he won’t be going anywhere! It even looks like a pool toy!

Caution: Do not affix Balance Board directly to non-swimmers.

#3 – Grammie-Grams’ Bath Chair

The Balance Board’s non-slip feet and textured surface make it ideal for tub-sitting, especially for seniors who have a difficult time bending and suffer an increased risk of slipping in the tub and hurting themselves. Now Grammie-Grams can enjoy the tub worry-free, taking some time to soak, relax, and ask God why He hasn’t taken her yet.

Balance Board not visible in this diagram, and it’s better that way.

#2 – Home Defense


The Balance Board is pretty damn heavy and built to last… so fuck that baseball bat you keep stowed under the bed! Club a burglar over the head with this thing, and he’ll wake up in the hereafter telling people the last thing he saw was someone coming at him with a goddamned tombstone.

#1 – Passive-Aggressive Appetizer Tray


Finally: a modern, utilitarian-design serving tray to match all that Ikea shit you bought.

You might say: “Oh lord, why would she ever do that? Feet were on it. Sweaty feet. Feet so sweaty Nintendo’s own manual recommends occasionally toweling it off.” Well, sometimes beneath the thin veneer of domestic bliss, there’s deep, seething, ugly resentment. And mommy likes to do things that prove daddy isn’t the big smart man he thinks he is.


Oh my! What could possibly be the reason behind such senseless hostility and sniping? The answer: Too many secrets.


Deep, dark secrets.


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