Public Relations Nightmares #1: Toy Shop

Posted by Chris Ward at 4:11 PM May 04, 2008

As video game reviewer guys, a ton of free games show up on our doorsteps from Public Relations firms hoping we'll review them all, complete with typically awful and hyperbolic press release. With only 52 print reviews allotted per year in the Village Voice, a lot of shit doesn't get reviewed by Gary and I. And I do mean shit...with a wealth of games to consider for review, some games don't even get the shrink wrapping taken off. Some games my cats chew on. Some games get given away to people we dislike immensely.

In this edition of PR Nightmares, we review an unopened copy of...

TOY SHOP

PUBLISHER: Majesco Entertainment

RATING: E (Every Poor Motherfucker Out There)

CHANCES THAT I'LL OPEN THIS GAME: 0%.

There's about 10 seconds of excitement when you get a package in the mail from a game company, which is immediately followed by massive, massive letdown. Once you see the box art for Toy Shop (and the fact that it's named "Toy Shop") you know you're pretty much in for a Shit Salad drizzled in Fuck Dressing.

Majesco is a pretty good company, and they've given us the excellent "Cooking Mama" and "Cooking Mama 2: Stirring and Blowing on More Shit." But besides this sweet Master Chief bootleg figure in the window, it looks hopeless:


The promise of a game where you run a Chinese bootleg toystore (which would be awesome) is snuffed out when you read the back of the game box:

"Jump right into the business of fun in this unique game that combines entrepreneurialism with creative craftsmanship."

Ok, even if my spell checker didn't flag "entrepreneurialism" as "not a fucking word," (which it does), I have strong doubts that you should be dropping it into the first sentence of a kids game. Nor should you encourage kids to make a major jump into a business they're not familiar with, unless they enjoy failed marriages, property liens, tearful evenings doing payroll, panic attacks when the phone rings, sudden heart attacks and general limpdickery. So, pretty much, here's how the scene goes down at Game Stop when kids are deciding to buy this game:

KID 1: Cool, Toy Shop! What's that one about?


KID 2: Let's see...says here it's about fun, toys and...entre...entrepre...entreneuo...I can't read what this says. I'm scared.


KID 1: I'm scared too. Let's just buy Grand Theft Auto and fuck our lives up at an early age instead.

The Toy Store box even announces, in giant letters, "TURN THE FAMILY TOY STORE INTO A RETAIL EMPIRE!" as if that were something to be proud of. "Piss on Grandpa's charming and traditional family business. Let's hire some slave labor-hungry immigrants, bulldoze the east end of town, and fucking crank out some Power Rangers. Lead paint is cheaper? Hey, why not."

PRESS RELEASE GRADE: C-

I'll give this release props for being short, sweet and to the point. The Bullet Points are typical PR filler nonsense ("Use the Stylus to control everything!" That's pretty much like getting excited over an "Animated Menus!" special feature on a DVD.), but the overview of the game tells me everything I need to know. Which is creepy as shit and pretty poorly constructed:

"When their grandfather passed away, Mel and Mark were left in charge of his toy shop with the condition that if they couldn't make it successful within three years, it would be donated to the city."

Whoa, whoa...since when can you just donate your failing business to the city? "Here's my shitty toy shop...good luck suckers!" In reality, Mel and Mark would inherit a massive debt and commit ritual suicide.

META CRITIC SCORE: 4. 9 out of 10.

Sure, it's just a game for kids. But so is Mario Kart, and that game fucking rules. I'd rather play a game as a lunatic grandfather who decides to give two kids a toy business on his deathbed.