Mario Kart Wii [REVIEW]

Posted by Chris Ward at 10:45 AM May 11, 2008

See the polished version over atVillage Voice Media.com's
Game On column, or find it in any free Village Voice paper near you (near the skin ads at the back). But, because I love you, here's the warts and all bloggy version for the web with extra shit thrown in...

ACTUAL SCREEN SHOT

At 16 years old, most people get their driver’s license.

But my initial reaction to Mario Kart Wii, the landmark franchise that turns 16 this year, was to revoke Nintendo’s license. The citation? Releasing an identical (albeit cute) racing game year after year and expecting us to re-purchase each title. That’s the George Lucas approach to marketing in action.

However, the cynics may be wrong—There’s actually no reason for Nintendo to change gears with Mario Kart Wii, the eighth incarnation in the granddaddy of Go Kart gaming. At this point in history, there’s simply no justification for monkeying with the basic gameplay, offering exciting changes to either weapons (like the famous turtle shells or banana peels) or tweaking over-used mainstays like Luigi and Bowser. If familiarity breeds contempt, The Mushroom Kingdom remains blissfully unaware. Hell, half the courses in Mario Kart Wii are from the Super Nintendo and N64. Retro fan-service or just plain lazy? You make the call.

So, what makes this racer re-hash excusable? For starters, as I type this, there are six senior US Army officers at the table across from me (At Panera Bread. I'm stealing their net signal) who just segued their conversation from Desert Storm to Rayman: Raving Rabbids. In my neighborhood, at a local hospital, scheduled “Wii-habilitation” takes place in the locked-down Psych Ward—where one supposes Jack Nicholson straddles the Chief’s shoulders, playing virtual tennis.

To top it off, our freaking retirement home has a Wii bowling league.

What all this means is, despite the constant bellyaching from hardcore gamers like myself about carbon copy—but, yes, fun—sequels like Super Smash Bros. Brawl, much of the Wii’s target, non-gaming audience is playing this decade old stuff for the first time.

Nintendo knows this. And that means until the general public tires of the Wii as a fad (and they will, probably when Wii Fit hits and they realize they’re being tricked into exercising), those looking for a new spin on their favorite Kart racer are left stalled with a flat tire while the general public excitedly passes them on the right.

Demographics and expectations aside, is Mario Kart Wii any good? Does Yoshi crap speckled eggs? The new motion-steering controls are better than your own piece of shit Honda, and bitter veterans even have the option of using the antiquated analog (“A joystick? That’s like using a baby’s toy!,” sneered the kid from Back to the Future II).
The game even comes packed with a plastic steering wheel which, though strictly cosmetic, might become the your biggest guilty pleasure. Even if using it makes you look like Maggie Simpson, “driving” and honking from her carseat.

Mario Kart still reigns as the most accessible party game ever, in part thanks to its “even playing field” set-up. Your slingshot-cornering skills may get you to first place, but a last second lightning bolt will put you in last, allowing your kid sister a win. Is it fair? Depends on whether you’re at receiving end of the heat-seeking turtle shell.

Harcore and casual gamers can even come together on the series’ best tune-up: online racing. Nintendo runs laps around its previous online efforts, and you won’t tire of facing opponents around the world (and their cartoon Mii counterparts) even after hours of play, thanks to little lag time between races and democratic gameplay that let’s everyone vote on the next race track. To anyone who’s been on the receiving end of an Xbox Live shouting match about level selection, Kart’s silent ballot is “serenity now.”

In addition to online play, Mario Kart’s only other leap forward is the addition of motorcycles to the Kart lineup. They handle a bit slicker than the sputtering go karts, and hopefully hint at more daring changes in the future of the well-worn series. Mario Crotch Rocket Racers, anyone?

UPDATE: Since turning this puppy in for press, I can't stop playing this fucking game. I got it around the same time as GTA4, and now the adventures of Yakov Smirnoff as Scarface is collecting dust.

The online mode MAKES this game, and I don't even miss voice chatting at all. Besides, even if this game DID have voice chat, it would just be a bunch of people screaming "MOTHERFUCKER! FUCK!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT YOU FUCKING TOADSTOOL DONKEY!!!" The only thing that really sucks about playing online is a variation on an old nose-picking addage my grandfather coined in 1911: "You can play with your Wii, You can play with your friend's Wii, but you can't play with each other in a room full of people present." Catchy, I know. What I'm saying is, you can play online with a friend (and, hell, talk via bluetooth on your cell phones at the same time in place of Xbox Live), but you can't get together online and play with other strangers. This pretty much licks nuts. Oh, and I totally have the hots for Princess Rosalina, and confess I only play with her so I can see her ass in a tight, Kill Bill-style motorcycle outfit. Hey, what do you know...this picture makes me forget that the neglected to include Pac-Man in this version of Mario Kart, after giving me a taste of greatness in the arcade version. Princess Toadstool, consider yourself the Meg Ryan to Rosalina's Scarlett Johannson.