FOUR PAC-MAN THINGS YOU'LL NEVER OWN, BILLY MITCHELL

Posted by Chris Ward at 12:56 PM Apr 01, 2008

I agree with my friend Sean's observation: Billy Mitchell, the very first man to play a perfect game of Pac-Man, is the world's biggest vagina. And if I ever cross his hot-sauce soaked face, I will kick his balls so hard, they'll land on top of the junior high school where the janitor will gladly retrieve them at the end of the semester. Of course, this is only based on multiple viewings of The King of Kong, and I'm sure Billy's a really nice guy.
BM didn't even cash in on his Pac-Man cred by changing the name of his hot sauce to "Pac-Man Fever Blisters," or "A-MAZE-ing Sauce (Perfect Game Hot Sauce Edition)" or even, "Pac....MAN, that's hot as shit balls! Damn, Billy Mitchell, That's a High-Score Hot Sauce'!" Nope...It's just called "Rickey's.", a wildly entertaining name (we can agree) as far as hot sauces go. So, I gotta give him credit for showing some restraint.

Just kidding, what a world-class douche. AM I RIGHT??!?!

In my heart, though, this makes me sad—because I'm probably the world's biggest Pac-Man fanatic and Billy Mitchell has become the game's ambassador. This is ridiculous, because I should be Pac-Man's true ambassador. His PR guy. His ombudsman of Ward 5, if you will. That guy over at the vacated First Church of Pac-Man website? Respectfully, fuck that guy. His embarrassing appearance on the extremely short lived VH1 show "Totally Obsessed" made me realize that, when it comes to preaching the glory of pellet-based gaming, I am the Barack Obama of Pac-Man.

Pac-Man is a lifestyle. A sad lifestyle, yes...but a lifestyle my mustard-yellow, semi-circle tattoo and I will take proudly to the grave.

The great thing about being obsessed with something ridiculous is that your friends and family usually take notice. And when your hobby's not yet unhealthy enough to put you in a hospital, people end up buying (and better, yet MAKING) you things related to your hobby. And for FREE! While there is a ton of awesome Pac-Man crap you can buy online, neither you or Billy Mitchell will ever own the badass Pac-Man bling that has come into my possession: custom shit that can never be re-produced for any fanboy.

4.Bootleg Iraqi Pac-Man Shirt

When my best friend spent 2 years in Iraq (not because he was in the Army or anything, but because he loves the place), he discovered these weird little shops (Sand Kiosks, they called them) that would embroider absolutely anything into a shirt, copyright laws be damned. So, down at this Green Zone Gap, of sorts, he had the guy put a Pac-Man logo on the shirt and the words "Pac-Attack" on the sleeve. (which rhymes with "Iraq-Attack," so I'm sure they just changed a few letters on the embroidery machine). It's the perfect bowling shirt, but the problem is the material it's made from. I guess J. Crew stopped shipping fabric to war torn Baghdad, because my shirt is apparently made out of a blend of leathery camel scrotums, dishrags and mole hair. If Aaron Neville were to record a jingle for this shirt, it would be "The Touch...The Feel...of ewwwwww."

Just check out this 10000X Magnification of the thread count, and you can see the biological war being waged in a desperate attempt to hold the damn shirt together.



Irritating hat on top of other irritating hat for sale online, shirt is not

3. Grandmother's Ceramic Pac-Thing

My good friend Kris gifted me a Pac-Man piece with sentimental value: a ceramic Pac-Man made by his grandmother. Any grandmother who has homemade Pac-Man knick knacks lying around the house is one amazing lady. I would love to spend an afternoon with her, watching Days of Our Lives together, dusting Pac-Man antiques and humoring Wilfred Brimley by checking our blood pressure, and often. After giving this valued item to me, Kris instantly regretted it and asked for it back. Unfortunately, I had already put it in my permanent collection, but he's welcome to visit it any time (between the hours of 7-5, and not on weekends).

Shot glass set for sale at any Hot Topic, $20. Ceramic Pac-Man, like Mogwai, is not for sale. Not even to Rand Peltzer.


Kris later sent some asshole to try and steal it from me...


And that guy pretty much got what was coming to him.

2. Cross-Stitch Pac-Man Thing

While her husband was in Iraq, my friend Andrea kept her little fingers busy not by furiously masturbating at all hours of the day, but rather making a cross-stitch of Pac-Man for me. And that's really better than diddling your doodle anyway. (Though often to imagine her in the throes of passion, cross-stitching a red ghostie with cheeks a-flush. Her husband's in Iraq, so what's he gonna do about it? What's that? He's back? Gotta go!)

Left: my cat Champ, you can have him. Right: Don't even think about it.

1. Pac-Man Quilt

My wife continuously surprises me with amazing Pac-Man merchandise, which is a reason in and of itself to get married. She hand-sewed an entire set of Pac-Man pillows, found an incredibly rare Pac-Man ring, and just this year got me a Pac-Man Math Game in a sad attempt to trick me into learning my addition tables. But nothing trumps the sexiest piece in my collection: Behold the Pac-Man Quilt



The Pac-Man quilt is a masterpiece. The front is completely original, hand stitched design, while the back is crafted from an original Pac-Man bedsheet set. Even though my balls have touched it on a regular basis, you want it though you can never have it. Just like my balls. Suck on that, Billy Mitchell.