Joystick Division: Video Game News, Views and Reviews - Counterpoint: House of the Dead 2 & 3 [RE-REVIEW]

Counterpoint: House of the Dead 2 & 3 [RE-REVIEW]

Posted by Gary Hodges at 3:10 PM Apr 20, 2008

Like the rest of Western Civilization, I quiver in anticipation of the weekly Game On review – even the half that aren’t mine. I'm always eager to see Chris Ward’s thoughts on whatever game happened to cross his desk (or milk crate or papier-mâché Pac-Man nightstand or ottoman fashioned out of dead hookers or whatever his decor situation is).

But when I saw the score he gave House of the Dead 2 & 3 – a 5 out of 10 – I must say, I had some concerns. Because when reviewing certain games – especially games like HotD that, frankly, aren’t very fun – you have to go the extra mile and ask: “Did I really do everything I could to MAKE this game fun?”

Did you, Ward? Because – for example – I see no evidence you played the game with two Zappers at once, John Woo-style. To me, this would be one way to make an un-fun game slightly more fun. Or at least slightly less un-fun.

Remember that scene in Boiler Room where Ben Affleck’s character is telling all his little toadies to “Act As If”? Well maybe if we Act As If a game is a fucking riot to play, it will become fun to play. Maybe we can fool ourselves – how hard can it be? Final Fantasy fans have been doing it for 10 years!

So my question to you, Ward, is: did you immerse yourself in HotD? Because I immersed myself. And since reviewing games is a highly scientific process, I’ve made a step-by-step guide for Ward or anyone else to get the same results.

1. Do your homework

Before approaching a given game, you really should go out of your way to know everything about it – or at least, everything that will help put it in a more positive light. Often readers will complain a negative review was "not from a fan’s perspective", so the goal here is approach every game as a perfect realization of what you wanted from it.

In retrospect, I should have reviewed Lair with this attitude. I made the mistake of approaching Lair as a game where I’d fly around a fantasy landscape on a dragon, annihilating foes and having a good time – in short, I expected the game to bring the fun. That was wrong. Instead of expecting the game to be a fun, action-packed fantasy experience, what if I had approached it as a game version of Slim Pickens’ ride of a nuke into the ground? Ah-ha! - now Lair is quite good!

2. Have the right equipment

This is just like being an actor: you need to take on the role of your game’s protagonist, and clothes make the man! Immersion, people; immersion! So if you were really going to be shedding gallons of biohazardous zombie viscera with your two-gun action, you’d need protection.

Not that kinda protection, hopscotch. I mean full body protection, like so:

But you can’t stop there – look at all that exposed skin still sitting out there, inviting undead mastication! You gotta cover up them fingers, son!

Much better, but still not immersed. Think about this in real-world terms: you’re going to be breaking open hundreds of decaying corpses and sloshing through their fetid innards. If you’ve got a pair of shoes you’re in love with, you want to take measures to assure they won’t be ruined – get yourself some booties, my brotha.

Outstanding. Now that tasty-lookin’ noggin, which just looks like a big, delicious hardboiled egg to those zombie scum.

You’re not just fully protected, son – you’re fully immersed! I feel that 5 out of 10 creeping up already. But there’s one last thing, one last crucial detail to really bring the fun to HotD: