And Maybe Katamari-DMC While We're At It

Posted by Nate Patrin at 11:54 AM Apr 02, 2008

I love hip hop. Since this is a video game blog, you may think I'm going to tell you how hilarious MC Chris is or something, but I actually mean hip hop by actual non-nerdcore rappers and not someone whose biggest claim to fame is yelling a lot on Sealab 2021 and insulting Kingdom Hearts (though that's still a pretty decent claim to fame if you ask me). I have over 20 hours' worth of music by Wu-Tang and Wu-affiliated artists on my iPod, seeing Afrika Bambaataa live at the Foundation ranks up there with my happiest memories ever, and if my apartment building caught on fire one of the first things I'd rescue would be my 12" copy of the "Life Is... Too $hort" single. You know why I couldn't get excited for Super Smash Brothers Melee? My version already came out years ago. Redman vs. Crazy Legs is like my Snake vs. Kirby.

That said: no no no no no no no.

I will have to agree with Shane Bettenhausen and emphasize how little depth and breadth game developers seem to have when it comes to representing hip hop culture, but my nausea at this game mostly stems from the fact that when I look back a couple dozen years from now at the things I didn't like about this decade, 50 Cent and the war in the Iraq will probably be in the top five. I don't care if 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand (!) plays like a combination of Mercenaries and Gears of War on John Woo pills; the juxtaposition of one of my least-favorite rappers and my least-favorite aspects of American foreign policy is poison to me. Headbangers (of the non-EPMD variety) get Brutal Legend, something that's simultaneously ridiculous and reverent, whie hip hop heads get a boneheaded cash-grab by a rapper who hasn't been interesting since the days when "Dr. Dre and Eminem swear by him" actually meant something. That said, hopefully it's not too late for Swordfish Studios to make any of the following changes in protagonist and environment in order to salvage what could still be a very solid title gameplay-wise:

-Slick Rick fighting the triads in Hong Kong
-Bun B pulling cat-burglar jewel heists
-Killer Mike busting up a corrupt small Southern town with a 2x4 on some Walking Tall shit
-Ghostface Killah's Supermarket Showdown
-Biz Markie in the Mushroom Kingdom
-Ludacris... in space
-Lupe Fiasco's Pro Skater
-Boots Riley of the Coup time-travelling to Chile in the 1970s to assassinate Augusto Pinochet
-MF DOOM. I don't care what he'll be doing, just... an MF DOOM video game, now, please